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Mobbing and Scapegoating

One of the worst brainwashing suggestions that scapegoats receive is that they are not loved…not even liked. Not only does the family treat you like a defective appliance, they also lead you to believe that no one could ever love you.

They have techniques and mothodology to program your brain into believing you are unlovable and unlikable. None of it is true, but if you have experienced hardcore mobbing and scapegoating, you know how it feels to wonder why no one loves you.

The narcissist and their followers will systematically break you down. They make you doubt your identity and the person you want to see yourself as. They violate your perception of yourself, and make you feel like you deserve to be left out…not just by them….but by everyone.

This isolation can be devastating.

Please know that the narcissists methods are cruel and unusual punishment, which you do not deserve. They targeted you for mobbing because they needed everyone to share their narrative of reality. The narcissist needed someone to blame for all the chaos and damage they caused.

They intentionally isolate you from having friends and other family who love you. They drove away anyone who might mirror your true self back to you. Instead, they lied and told you that you are defective.

This abuse is so painful that is can lead to chronic anxiety and depression. In fact nearly everyone I have ever met with bipolar disorder was exposed to some kind of abuse by a narcissistic, abusive family member.

As the scapegoat, you were the one everyone pointed their fingers at to blame for everything. When you tried to stand up to the abuse, they found a twisted way to make you think that it was your fault. That there was something about you that made them have to treat you they way they did.

If you are an adult now, and ended up with an abuser, or in a family of abusive in-laws, they are just continuing the same dark patterns that all abusers engage it.

Even when you begin to see abuse as abuse, and learn about narcissism, the self doubt still exists. It can be like a pervasive darkness.

Reach out to others who will validate your truth. Find people who can accept and love you for the person you really are. Get away from that twisted picture that your abusers hung on their wall and pointed to as you.

Abuse is abuse. You never did, nor do you now, deserve to be manipulated, mobbed or scapegoated.

You are a special, unique soul with compassion, and special gifts to share with others who deserve your time and your love.

Blessings,

Annie

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Love Does Not Seek to Hurt

love is calm

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Narcissists Lie to Shame You Into Submission

Narcissists speak lies on a regular basis. They intermix lies with the truth and reframe truth in ways that confuse your perception.

One of the ways narcissists lie has to do with time and and amount. This one is nearly impossible to detect unless you are aware of how they do this.

Let’s say the narcissist wants to give you the perception that they have been thinking of you a lot and making a great effort to get together with you….

Narcissist Version -I have been trying for three weeks to get ahold of you. You are very difficult to get ahold of.

Perception they want you to have – They have been trying hard to get ahold of you and there must be something wrong with your phone or email. You should feel guilty or at fault for not getting their messages

Truth- They did not think of you at all for the last few days ( or weeks) and left you three urgent sounding, annoyed messages within the last 24 hours that they cannot reach you.

Here is another example …

Narcissist – I am surprised you are spending Thanksgiving with us. This is the first one you have spent with us for many years

Perception they want you to have -You apparently have a bad memory of the last  several years.  Their account must be right. You should feel guilty for being selfish.

Truth – You have spent every single holiday with them, including Thanksgiving and Christmas for the last 7 years with the exception of last Thanksgiving that you spent with your grandmother , who had not seen you on a holiday in 7 years.

Here is one more for you…

Narcissist – I am always apologizing to you. You are attacking my self esteem. I should not have to apologize all the time. You always think you are in the right.

Perception they want you to have – You make them apologize often. You never apologize. You always point out when they do something you do not like.

Truth – You are always careful not to point out when they are wrong. You walk on egg shells around them so as not to upset them. They demand that you grovel at their feet when you make a tiny infraction of their rules, even if you had no possible way to comply or did not know they had changed the rules on you.

The narcissist uses these tactics to achieve a few things. The main one is to shame you and “put you in your place.”

They know that if they can make you feel bad for them or make you feel guilty, then they can manipulate you.

Emotional manipulation is one of the favorite tools of the narcissist. If they can force you into certain emotional states then they can control you.

Another reason they use these tactics is to play the victim. They do this to redirect your focus from the actual victim which is you.

As long as the narcissist can appear to be suffering from your maltreatment of them, they can deny any intentional abuse of you. After all…they are at the mercy of your bad behaviors…aren’t they?

 

 

 

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The Hoovering Tactic of the Narcissist

Beware of the “hoovering” techniques of the narcissist.

They will take you through the stages of idealization, devaluation and the discard. Then they often come back to you a few months later or even years later and try to hoover you back in.

This hoovering process is like a vacuum cleaner sucking up dirt. That is why it is called hoovering…like the Hoover vacuum cleaner.

rred flags

Hoovering techniques can be calling or texting you with kind words and seemingly sentimental feelings. You want to believe that they cared about you once upon a time. So when they tell you that they miss you there is a natural tendency to want to believe that they have left over feelings for you from the relationship.

One of the hardest parts of recovering from narcissistic abuse is the acceptance that the narcissist did not love you ever. Love does not go along with abuse and manipulation. The idealization phase was an act in order to get you hooked.

Once the narcissist had you conditioned to behave in the way they wanted you to, that is when they dropped the idealization phase.

Their mask slipped and they began to be cruel, sarcastic, uninterested , and otherwise abusive to you.

The devaluation phase of the narcissist is the ultimate example of taking someone for granite.

The narcissist feels entitled to use you and they do not care what you have to give up for them. They have no concern for your future or your mental and emotional health.

When they try to hoover you back into a relationship with them, they will say whatever you want to hear, in order to gain your interest and curiosity. One of the reasons that people get lured back in is the fact that the narcissist did not allow them any closure to the relationship.

This lack of closure is something that the narcissist uses to their benefit.

They never allow any closure to their relationships because they want you to feel their presence in your mind without being able to fully let them go. It is a way that they can torment you ling after they have left your life.

It is like they are still lurking in the darkest edges of your mind, even when you have not seen them in months or years.

So when they text you or email you out of the blue, it is not the same as someone else who you broke up with. With a normal person who you broke up with a long time ago, it is a different feeling when they contact you out of the blue.

save yourself meme

But the narcissist never really left your mind,  so when they contact you it is like the longest “silent treatment” in history.

This is as opposed to running into an ex.  partner that you had closure and reasons for the break up that you both understood.

In some cases this is exactly the intention of the narcissist. They are punishing you with this extended silent treatment so that if they decide to hoover you back in later on, you will be more careful not to upset them.

Once you have experienced being discarded cruelly, with no closure, seemingly out of nowhere, your brain has trouble letting go of it.

Your brain is designed to integrate memories into the part of the brain that holds past experiences.

If there is no proper closure then the memories of that relationship cannot be properly integrated.  This is one of things that causes PTSD.

The memories are not properly integrated into the part of the brain they are supposed to be stored in. So the memories come up when you are triggered and they feel like they are happening right now in the present. rather than the in the past.

The narcissist counts on you having PTSD and not being able to put the relationship in the past. If you never put it in the past then it is easier for them to hoover you back in. The other thing they count on is the fact that you probably have toxic loneliness.

When you have toxic loneliness, it is more likely you will fall for the lies of the narcissist when they try to hoover you back in. The pain of the loneliness is something the narcissist promises to relieve for you.

The problem with that is that the narcissist will use you and then abuse you again. Your pathological loneliness will be relieved for a while as they take you through the idealization phase again. But if this is the second round of a relationship with them, then they will hit you even harder with the devaluation phase.

Why does the narcissist hoover you back in?

Usually they left you for a new victim. The were preparing the victim while they were still in the relationship with you. Once the victim was mesmerized and under their spell, then you were discarded with no regard for your feelings or even your financial stability that they may have broken.

They move on to the new victim to elicit narcissistic supply. They sometimes will text . email or call you because they only want to use you in order to make the new victim feel triangulated. They use you to make their new victim feel jealous and threatened, so that they will “behave” better.

This triangulating is how the narcissist gets you to do what he wants  because you feel like he will go with the other person instead. He will lie about how the “other” person is so much better than you. more cooperative than you. less manipulative than you, more reliable than you…whatever.

So you may be being used as the third person of the triangle to torment their current victim.

It may also be that they need you for some other reason, such as their is something they want you to do for them. They will use you until they get what they want and then they will put you through the breakup again, with no closure.

The second discard can be even worse than the first one. Please keep this in mind before you decide to give the narcissist a second chance.

Your reality will be manipulated to the point where you will question your ability to tell reality from non-reality. You will be shamed this time even worse than the first time.

The fact that they were able to lure you back in after abusing you will make them have a stronger contempt for you. They will load you with contempt and disgust until you feel like you are garbage.

Please keep in mind the red flags of abusers and make sure you keep your boundaries.

If someone lures you back in and you keep your boundaries then you will quickly notice when they begin to cross them. You will see how angry they become when you do not abide by their rule of the “double standard”…meaning they can do whatever they want but you have to do what they tell you to do.

Do not allow others to tell you how you should feel, what you should believe or anything about who you are.

Do not allow a partner to tell you that you are too sensitive, or mentally ill, just because you resist letting them control you.

Blessings.

Annie

abusive relationships, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, Narcissists, scapegoat, scapegoating

The Scapegoat of the Narcissist

SCAPEGOATING IS A TERM THAT IS USED FOR THE ONE PERSON IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY THAT IS TARGETED BY THE ABUSIVE FAMILY MEMBER FOR RECEIVING THE MOST AGGRESSIVE ABUSE.

 Usually this person is targeted by the abuser because of their resistance to going along with the narrative of the narcissist.

If you were the truth teller in the family then you pointed out when boundaries were being crossed and when the other people were being mistreated. You were the one that probably defended siblings who were being abused. You may have tried to draw the abuse towards yourself in order to protect younger siblings from getting the brunt of it.

Very often the main abusive parent has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, although there are other personality disorders which cause people to abuse their children, like Malignant Borderline Personality Disorder. 

The narcissistic parent us the focal point of the family because they demand that their needs and desires are primary. The needs of the scapegoat are ignored. They are labeled as the troublemaker in the family. Things they say are often  used against them.

Fault for most every problem in the family ends of being dumped onto the scapegoat. The narcissist projects their own faults and personality disorder into the scapegoat. 

The scapegoat is the one that can see that something is wrong with the narcissistic parent ans their behavior. The narcissist wants everyone in the family to pretend that everything is normal and their abusive behaviors are not abusive. The scapegoat angers the narcissist by being able to see through the false reality they create.

If you were the scapegoat child then your accomplishments were ignored or minimized. You were compared to other family members and the narcissistic parent would see to it that your accomplishments were seen as less than the other children’s and their own. 

Family decisions may have been made without you in family meeting that you were intentionally not invited to. Yet you were still expected to go along with the decisions that narcissist made without expressing any dislike or negative feelings about anything.

You were emotionally punished for any resistance to what the narcissist wanted to do, even if it was harmful to you or others in the family. 

As an adult the narcissist probably gossips about you and talks about you behind your back. They twist around the reality of things you say and do, in order to give a false image to others about you. You are called selfish behind your back anytime you tell the narcissist “no” or try to set  healthy boundaries for the preservation of your mental health.

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT ONLY CONSIDERED UNIMPORTANT,  BUT IT IS ATTACKED INTENTIONALLY BY THE NARCISSISTIC PARENT IN ORDER TO UNDERMINE YOU.

They use techniques like gaslighting and triangulating to break you down. You end up looking like the one who is at fault in the relationship because the narcissist lies to the other family members about you.

Even though the abusive parent is the unstable one, you are often made out to be the one that is mentally disordered.

Your behaviors are taken out of context and re-framed by the narcissist to appear illogical, irrational or selfish. By the time to are able to tell your side of the story to anyone, it is too late because the narcissist got to them first and has been spreading a smear campaign against you.

At times you may be shunned by the narcissist or by the entire family, because the narcissist tells them that they should not speak to you.

However when someone is needed to step in during an emergency you are often the first one they will call and expect to drop everything to help. You are expected to be the problem solver and the one to offer assistance, even after you were made to feel inadequate in the past.

RESPONSIBILITY IS NOT EQUALLY ALLOTTED OR EQUALLY SHARED.

The scapegoat is always expected to do more than anyone else without complaining, and they are expected to do the work that no one else wants to do.

There is never any thank you or credit given to the scapegoat for doing things for the family. In fact there will be a big deal made over a little thing that the golden child did for the narcissist, while your contribution and efforts are minimized or forgotten…until the next time they need something from you.

Scapegoating is a reflection on the person refusing to take responsibility or be held accountable, not the person being blamed. The scapegoat also provides a buffer against reality to support the family denial. The scapegoat carries the lion’s share of the blame, shame, anger and rejection so narcissistic mother can maintain her patterns of dysfunction while continuing to appear normal. 

The scapegoat is punished by several methods. Shaming, ignoring, minimizing accomplishments, undermining, abused, rejected, singled out for blame.

scapegoatsofanarcissisticmother.blogspot.com

The narcissistic parent will tell people that they have done many things for you and that they gave tried to be supportive of you. They will tell others that they have been a good parent for you and that you do not appreciate their efforts. They will sometimes go so far as to claim that you are abusive to them and play the victim themselves.

THE GOLDEN CHILD IS THE SIBLING THAT IS PUT ON A PEDESTAL BY THE PARENT AND EXPECTED TO MAKE THE NARCISSIST LOOK GOOD.

The parent claims the credit for the accomplishments of the golden child. The golden child will remain in the favor of the narcissist as long as they succeed and accomplish the things that the narcissist approves of. 

THE RULES FOR THE GOLDEN CHILD AND THE SCAPEGOAT ARE NEVER THE SAME.

The scapegoat will be punished for things that the golden child is not punished for. The golden child will be praised for things that are ignored or undermined when the scapegoat accomplishes them or tries to accomplish them. 

The narcissistic parent will undermine the scapegoat and at the same time say to them “I am doing this for your own good.”  They disguise their cruel, undermining, manipulative tactics as loving guidance. 

There are many tactics that the narcissistic parent will use to undermine the scapegoat. The family often becomes blind to the tactics of the narcissist against the scapegoat. They do not see that the scapegoat is being attacked and undermined.

Some adults choose to break off contact with the narcissistic parent for their own mental preservation. Others are shunned by the narcissist and sometimes the entire family.

If you choose to continue interaction with a narcissistic parent, you have to learn how to maintain boundaries and not allow anyone in the family to violate them. Most likely this will anger the family members who are not used to you maintaining the same boundaries that they expect you to respect for them.

They feel entitled to be treated with respect and to be able to set boundaries about their time, their emotions, their relationships, etc. But they do not often respect your right to set the same exact boundaries for yourself.

You are not seen by the narcissist as a real person that has the right to your own thoughts, feelings, ideas or a right to personal boundaries.

YOU SHOULD PRIORITIZE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND YOUR LIFE AND MAKE ANY DECISIONS ABOUT INTERACTING WITH YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS BASED ON WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.

If they have never been happy with anything you have  done by now, then what are the chances that continuing to try to please them will gain their appreciation and approval?