abusive relationships, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse, women abuse

Red Flags You Are with an Abusive Person

Here is a list of red flags that may help you to see early on that you are with an abusive personality. If you are seeing a few of these characteristics then you need to assert some boundaries with them and see how they react.

If they fight you about having simple personal boundaries then you need to realize that you may be in an abusive relationship. 

Tell them you have to go sleep early one night because you have a lot to do the next day. If they do not accept this, then there is a problem.

No one should give you guilt or shame you that you are not good to them, when you are doing simple basic things to take care of yourself.

It is not normal for someone to threaten to leave you or call you a bad girlfriend if you want to do things for yourself like take a class, do an extra assignment for school or work, or spend time with family or friends.

You should never feel manipulated by guilt, shame or fear. People that love you do not inflict fear or threats in order to get you to comply.

Here is a list that I have come up with from research and also from personal experience. There may be things that need to be added. Feel free to leave any ideas in the comments.

Keep in mind that narcissists are on their best behavior at the very beginning of the relationship, called the idealization phase.

Many of these red flags will not come up until the “honeymoon phase” is over in a couple of months. The best ones to look for early on are the ones that I put near to the top of this list.

Love Bombing and Pushing to be in a Serious Relationship Right Away

Constant texting, calling, stopping over (calls you the second you get out from work or during work/ calls you while you are trying to get ready for work/ calls you first thing on your day off and wants to be on the phone, texting, or see you all day on every day off you have / calls while you are out with friends and you told them you would be busy with friends/  texts you when you said you would be at the gym….never ending constant contact)

Angry or very upset when you do not respond to texts and voicemails right away

Never taking responsibility for their action – things are always someone else’s fault

Chameleon-like changeable personality – a different personality for different people and situations

They are always right and never make a mistake

They hate to be told they could have done something better or differently

Jealousy and Ownership of You

Isolating you from family and friends (discouraging you from spending time with them/  getting angry when you do/ saying that those people are interfering somehow in your relationship/ telling you that relatives that you have known for years are out to get you and you did not realize it)

They feel the Need to control your schedule

Never apologizes or does so in a sarcastic,  fake way

Need to know where you are at all times

Telling you what to wear and how to look

Control of the money ( you need to check with them before you spend your own money/  they question how you spend your money/ shame you or make you feel guilty over spending your money on yourself)

Criticism and disrespect  of women (this may not be directed at you at first  since they put on their mask and are on their best behavior during the idealization phase – observe how they treat other women who they have nothing to gain from)

Making you account for your whereabouts

Making you ask permission or clear your activities with them

Name calling and demeaning you

Complaining that the women at work do not treat him with respect / also treating employees or people that are performing a service for them (like a waitress, a hotel maid, a taxi driver) with disrespect and contempt

Excessive monitoring and making you check in all the time

Extreme sense of entitlement

Unrealistic, and unreasonable  demands

Lack of sympathy and empathy

Not interested in anyone else’s side of things

Accusing you of cheating when you are not

Blaming you for things that do not go his way

Excessive need for control in the house

Manipulating your friends and family to take their side in arguments

Getting angry if you have a different opinion than they do

Making you feel stupid and less intelligent than they are

Being disrespectful to you in front of your family and friends

abuse red flags, abusive relationships, blame shifting, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcopath

Blame Shifting

blame shifting

domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, Narcissist psychopath, Psychopath

Narcissistic Anti-social Darkness

There are narcissists that also have anti-social personality. What the extra element is, if you were dealing up close with psychopathy, is that they get an elevation from being sadistic.

Anti-social personality is what the accepted term now is for psychopath. The other term people mix around and interchange with these is sociopath.

Pick your poison, you are dealing with someone who intentionally inflicts pain, be it physical,  emotional or psychological.

The narcissistic psychopath inflicts pain just to see you suffer. They feel powerful when they can make you suffer with no other reason that to do it.

Narcissists inflict pain in order to make you fear feeling that emotional pain, because this makes you more compliant.  If you suffer through their emotional punishments like silent treatment or dissappearing from your radar for days or weeks on end, then you will do anything to avoid those punishments in the future.

Once the narcissist has trained you by inflicting emotional pain on you, then you become more compliant with what they want, or ask you for. You fear disagreeing with them, joking with them or doing anything but wait to find out what they want.

The narcissist trains you with punishment.  Their training is painful.  They threaten abuse, in order to keep you compliant also.

But the narcissist that is co-morbid with psychopathy will cause you mental injury, emotional pain, because they like to.

If your ex seemed to cause pain to you, or if they broke up with you in a way that was cruel and unusual. ..did all they could to make it as painful for you as possible…even though there was no strategic gain for them..it did not get them any additional narcissistic supply….

Then it is possible that you were with someone who was far darker and more dangerous that you thought.

This should be a very good reason for you to stay no contact.  You very well may be underestimating the danger of the person you were with.

If you are with someone that fits these criteria and has these behaviors,  please find a safe way out. Then stay no contact.  It is not worth the risk you are taking to stay.

These people are insidious and live in the dark world in their minds. I do not want you anywhere near them.

Blessings and wishes for your peace of mind and safety,

Annie

life, mental abuse, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, stalking

Stalkers are Potentially Dangerous / Never Take Stalking Lightly

This is just a reminder that stalkers are dangerous. Never underestimate the potential danger of a stalker. If an ex abuser is following you, you should take proper precautions. If it is appropriate you should alert the police. Always make sure that someone knows about the stalker and that someone you trust  is keeping tabs on your getting home safely.

Narcissists always think they are in the right and they feel entitled to you and anything else that they want. The person who is stalking you may have anti-social personality disorder rather than narcissistic personality disorder. Psychopaths are on the extreme end of the spectrum of narcissism.  They are extremely unpredictable and dangerous.

For some reason, people think that psychopaths only exist in the movies, but rationally we know this cannot be true. People tend to think that dangerous people only bother “the other guy” but who is the other guy but your neighbor, your family or yourself?

People that think stalkers are harmless can end up not taking their situation seriously enough. If someone seems to keep showing up “by accident” at the places you go, then please make someone aware of this, preferably the police as well as a trusted friend or family member.

Here are a few videos about the dangers of stalking. 

What is an Erotomaniac Stalker?

Stalker Psychology

Psychopathic Bully and Stalker

abusive relationships, emotional abuse, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissistic abuse syndrome

What Does Machiavelli have to do with Narcissism? The Dark Triad

This video is meant to be humorous and it is, but this is actually a perfect example of what someone with a Machiavellian Philosophy would do.

This is important for you to know, if you are trying to avoid abusive relationships and you tend to attract abusers into your life.

Narcissism can be co-morbid with other disorders. There is something that is referred to as the Dark Triad. People that have the dark triad are narcissist that also have antisocial personality. To complete the triad they live with a philosophy which is the Machiavellian philosophy.

I personally think that the Machiavellian philosophy goes hand in hand with narcissism and is something that most narcissists live by. They believe that the ends justifies the means. They do not care of people are hurt, as long as they get what they want in the end.

The extent to which a narcissist will go, in order to reach their end goal, is affected by whether or not they have antisocial personality disorder, which means they are a psychopath. If someone is a psychopath then they are willing to commit illegal acts as part of their “means” to reach their end goals.

This video shows a short play with three characters. One of the characters uses a Machiavellian philosophy to get the job that he is interviewing for in the play.

If you are unfamiliar with Machiavelli, he wrote the book The Prince, which teaches that any means can be used in order to reach one’s goals.

Here is a YouTube Video on Machiavelli and his book The Prince. The really disturbing thing is all the comments under the video of men trying to compare their test scores on the Machiavellian test. They are proud of scoring high and being competitive and / or high fiving each other for getting high scores.

This is very disturbing and it lets you know that these guys are out there and they know what they are doing. There are men that actually study how to use and manipulate others in order to get their own agenda met. They are proud of the fact that the ends justifies the means for them.

emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, mental health, narcissism, narcissistic abuse

You Have Great Worth

great worth

People who end up the targets of narcissistic abuse and abuse by other toxic personalities typically have the above traits. Yet they end up with a feeling of worthlessness.

Most people would not and could not tolerate the behaviors of the narcissist. Only someone with extreme patience, tolerance, and a willingness to extend themselves to the toxic person, would be a victim of abuse.

Narcissists and other abuser do not try to choose targets that lack empathy, or a sense of fairness. They seek out the most kind, and compassionate people to target.

Don’t get me wrong. You should set boundaries and never be the victim of abuse again. You can still retain all of your good qualities, but you need to add boundaries for yourself.

Even though victims of abuse tend to posses compassionate qualities and are kind and caring people. they end up feeling worthless and like a failure for months or even years after an abusive relationship.

If this is you, then print out my little poster and hang it by your bed or on your bathroom mirror. You are full of worth and value. You are special, otherwise the abuser would not have chosen you.

Narcissists want to destroy people that are happy being compassionate. They want to stop you from being happy and spreading empathy to the world. It works against their agenda and they are jealous of what you have that they will never have.

Even if you do not feel like connecting with people right now, you will be able to again once you heal. The healing process takes time. Narcissistic abuse is powerful and causes deep wounds.

Your self esteem is crushed, Perhaps even more damaged is your sense of believing in your ability to know who to trust. Your perception of reality was interfered with and you may feel that trusting people is too dangerous.

This is a normal reaction to narcissistic abuse. It will pass with time. You are full of worthiness and value. Your empathy is needed in the world.

You will see the red flags next time, as long as you study and learn about narcissism and abusive personalities. You will be able to share your light again !

Blessings,

Annie

abusive relationships, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, mental health, narcissism, narcissistic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse

Complicated Grief and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder After Abandonment by a Narcissist

Complicated grief can occur after the death of a loved one, but it can also occur after being discarded by a narcissist. The grief over losing the narcissist can be severe due to the attachment, brainwashing and the chemical bond that existed.

Complicated grief is like being in an ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing.  Mayo Clinic

The Mayo Clinic Lists the signs and symptoms of complicated grief as follows

  • Intense sorrow and pain at the thought of your loved one
  • Focus on little else but your loved one’s death
  • Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders
  • Intense and persistent longing or pining for the deceased
  • Problems accepting the death
  • Numbness or detachment
  • Bitterness about your loss
  • Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
  • Irritability or agitation
  • Lack of trust in others
  • Inability to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with your loved one

The problems of complicated grief are severe.

People lose touch with their friends and tend to isolate themselves. It is a mammalian response to want to go crawl into your cave and hide. You want to get away from any triggers and have no desire to be around other people.

It can result in losing one’s job and friends. If it continues, complicated grief can lead to very severe depression and suicidal thoughts.

The narcissist used brainwashing techniques on you in order to ensure complete attachment and reliance on them and only them. They isolated you from any other sources of comfort and support.

They manufactures a world where you could not trust other people. This world was full of anxiety and turmoil. It was constant chaos and you were intentionally put into a state of high anxiety and confusion.

The brain reacts to this kind of anxiety and stress by lighting up the frontal cortex, which is where the amygdala is. This is the fear center of the brain – the fight or flight alert alarm center.

If your brain and body are placed in a state of constant alarm, it alters the chemicals and actual  neuronal wiring of your brain. This is an actual physiological change to the brain. It affects the feelings in the body and all of your emotions.

If the narcissist suddenly cuts you off from the only source of comfort from this hyper fear state, it is devastating. When you heard the voice of your narcissist it may have produced anxiety but it also fed the addiction that was created.

It is like a drug addiction that can only be calmed by one particular drug, which was the narcissist. You were conditioned that if you were apart from the narcissist for long periods ot time that this withdrawal would kick in.

This withdrawal was conditioned into your brain and your body by the narcissist. They did this for a couple of reasons.

1. They wanted you to respond right away when they needed something.

2. They wanted you to get rid of all other relationships

3. They wanted you in a highly adrenalized state in order that suggestions would go in more easily. Brainwashing techniques involve putting the person in a vulnerable state in order that the lies “suggestions” would go in easily. 

4. They wanted you to feel pain, when they made you wait for them. They once were in contact with you constantly and conditioned you to need that. Then began to pull away and make the time longer in between the contact. They said they would call you and then did not call. This was to cause you withdrawal pain, because they enjoy being sadistic.

5. They wanted you to suffer in agony, when they discarded you. You were once a happier, compassionate , more mentally balanced person that they are. They had contempt for you because you were things that they cannot be.

They wanted to destroy all of the good things about you that they can not have. Your ability to love others. Your ability to be happy. Your mental balance.

Complicated grief can occur in addition to having a post traumatic stress reaction from the breakup. The combination of trauma from a narcissistic break up is unique and no one can understand unless they have experienced it.

You may have both  PTSD and Complicated Grief and this is very likely.

So  you are hyper adrenalized, jumping at everything, darting your eyes around looking for enemies…and you are deeply sad an grieving for the relationship with the person that idealized you and was sweet to you in the beginning of the relationship.

This is a torturous experience. You have to reach out for help from other people who have experienced a narcissist abandonment. 

You can heal but it takes a long time and is a gradual process. Be proactive about your healing process. Learn and study about narcissism. Reach out to other people who have survived it. They are the only ones you can talk to.

domestic abuse, domestic violence, life, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissistic abuse

Abusers Break Your Heart but They Cannot Take it Away from You

You can still love again, after narcissistic abuse. It might take a while to feel yourself again, to be able to trust your perceptions and to want to share your vulnerability again. That is understandable.

If you were abused by someone who you trusted, then it leaves a very deep wound both emotionally and mentally. Take your time to heal. Get support and take care of yourself. Your mental health has to be the priority after an abusive relationship.

You have been through a tremendous ordeal, and most people will not understand what you are feeling or why the wounds are so very deep. Get connected with others who have been through it. This is where you will find validation and comfort.

Try to keep up with your regular activities, as best as possible. Take breaks when you need to.  Change to new activities that you want to try. You will have more time now, to do the things that the abuser did not allow you to do.

my heart survived

You have a big heart, if you stuck by a narcissistic person. They taxed your patience and you still stood by them. You did not know that they were plotting against you. You just thought that they were hurt and lost. This proves what a big heart you have.

You still have that heart and you are still the same kind person. But you are wiser and will be more cautious before you share your heart again.

Build up your strength with good nutrition and good sleep. Over time you will become stronger. The pain will subside slowly, little by little…but it will subside.

You may forgive and not forget. Or you may choose not to forgive. Let go of your anger when the time feels right. You have a right to your initial anger. It is a normal response to being abused in such a calculated way and in such a vulnerable way.

They tried to break your heart so that you could give it to no other. But they cannot take away your heart. It is still beating within you. You have lots of love to offer people. When the time is right, you may find someone to share it with again.

But for now, know that your heart had been broken, but it cannot be stolen from you.