abusive relationships, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, Narcissists, scapegoat, scapegoating

The Scapegoat of the Narcissist

SCAPEGOATING IS A TERM THAT IS USED FOR THE ONE PERSON IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY THAT IS TARGETED BY THE ABUSIVE FAMILY MEMBER FOR RECEIVING THE MOST AGGRESSIVE ABUSE.

 Usually this person is targeted by the abuser because of their resistance to going along with the narrative of the narcissist.

If you were the truth teller in the family then you pointed out when boundaries were being crossed and when the other people were being mistreated. You were the one that probably defended siblings who were being abused. You may have tried to draw the abuse towards yourself in order to protect younger siblings from getting the brunt of it.

Very often the main abusive parent has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, although there are other personality disorders which cause people to abuse their children, like Malignant Borderline Personality Disorder. 

The narcissistic parent us the focal point of the family because they demand that their needs and desires are primary. The needs of the scapegoat are ignored. They are labeled as the troublemaker in the family. Things they say are often  used against them.

Fault for most every problem in the family ends of being dumped onto the scapegoat. The narcissist projects their own faults and personality disorder into the scapegoat. 

The scapegoat is the one that can see that something is wrong with the narcissistic parent ans their behavior. The narcissist wants everyone in the family to pretend that everything is normal and their abusive behaviors are not abusive. The scapegoat angers the narcissist by being able to see through the false reality they create.

If you were the scapegoat child then your accomplishments were ignored or minimized. You were compared to other family members and the narcissistic parent would see to it that your accomplishments were seen as less than the other children’s and their own. 

Family decisions may have been made without you in family meeting that you were intentionally not invited to. Yet you were still expected to go along with the decisions that narcissist made without expressing any dislike or negative feelings about anything.

You were emotionally punished for any resistance to what the narcissist wanted to do, even if it was harmful to you or others in the family. 

As an adult the narcissist probably gossips about you and talks about you behind your back. They twist around the reality of things you say and do, in order to give a false image to others about you. You are called selfish behind your back anytime you tell the narcissist “no” or try to set  healthy boundaries for the preservation of your mental health.

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT ONLY CONSIDERED UNIMPORTANT,  BUT IT IS ATTACKED INTENTIONALLY BY THE NARCISSISTIC PARENT IN ORDER TO UNDERMINE YOU.

They use techniques like gaslighting and triangulating to break you down. You end up looking like the one who is at fault in the relationship because the narcissist lies to the other family members about you.

Even though the abusive parent is the unstable one, you are often made out to be the one that is mentally disordered.

Your behaviors are taken out of context and re-framed by the narcissist to appear illogical, irrational or selfish. By the time to are able to tell your side of the story to anyone, it is too late because the narcissist got to them first and has been spreading a smear campaign against you.

At times you may be shunned by the narcissist or by the entire family, because the narcissist tells them that they should not speak to you.

However when someone is needed to step in during an emergency you are often the first one they will call and expect to drop everything to help. You are expected to be the problem solver and the one to offer assistance, even after you were made to feel inadequate in the past.

RESPONSIBILITY IS NOT EQUALLY ALLOTTED OR EQUALLY SHARED.

The scapegoat is always expected to do more than anyone else without complaining, and they are expected to do the work that no one else wants to do.

There is never any thank you or credit given to the scapegoat for doing things for the family. In fact there will be a big deal made over a little thing that the golden child did for the narcissist, while your contribution and efforts are minimized or forgotten…until the next time they need something from you.

Scapegoating is a reflection on the person refusing to take responsibility or be held accountable, not the person being blamed. The scapegoat also provides a buffer against reality to support the family denial. The scapegoat carries the lion’s share of the blame, shame, anger and rejection so narcissistic mother can maintain her patterns of dysfunction while continuing to appear normal. 

The scapegoat is punished by several methods. Shaming, ignoring, minimizing accomplishments, undermining, abused, rejected, singled out for blame.

scapegoatsofanarcissisticmother.blogspot.com

The narcissistic parent will tell people that they have done many things for you and that they gave tried to be supportive of you. They will tell others that they have been a good parent for you and that you do not appreciate their efforts. They will sometimes go so far as to claim that you are abusive to them and play the victim themselves.

THE GOLDEN CHILD IS THE SIBLING THAT IS PUT ON A PEDESTAL BY THE PARENT AND EXPECTED TO MAKE THE NARCISSIST LOOK GOOD.

The parent claims the credit for the accomplishments of the golden child. The golden child will remain in the favor of the narcissist as long as they succeed and accomplish the things that the narcissist approves of. 

THE RULES FOR THE GOLDEN CHILD AND THE SCAPEGOAT ARE NEVER THE SAME.

The scapegoat will be punished for things that the golden child is not punished for. The golden child will be praised for things that are ignored or undermined when the scapegoat accomplishes them or tries to accomplish them. 

The narcissistic parent will undermine the scapegoat and at the same time say to them “I am doing this for your own good.”  They disguise their cruel, undermining, manipulative tactics as loving guidance. 

There are many tactics that the narcissistic parent will use to undermine the scapegoat. The family often becomes blind to the tactics of the narcissist against the scapegoat. They do not see that the scapegoat is being attacked and undermined.

Some adults choose to break off contact with the narcissistic parent for their own mental preservation. Others are shunned by the narcissist and sometimes the entire family.

If you choose to continue interaction with a narcissistic parent, you have to learn how to maintain boundaries and not allow anyone in the family to violate them. Most likely this will anger the family members who are not used to you maintaining the same boundaries that they expect you to respect for them.

They feel entitled to be treated with respect and to be able to set boundaries about their time, their emotions, their relationships, etc. But they do not often respect your right to set the same exact boundaries for yourself.

You are not seen by the narcissist as a real person that has the right to your own thoughts, feelings, ideas or a right to personal boundaries.

YOU SHOULD PRIORITIZE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND YOUR LIFE AND MAKE ANY DECISIONS ABOUT INTERACTING WITH YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS BASED ON WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.

If they have never been happy with anything you have  done by now, then what are the chances that continuing to try to please them will gain their appreciation and approval?

domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissistic abuse

What is a Good Excuse for Domestic Violence?

Please know that violence tends to escalate. It begins with control and manipulation with a threat of retaliation for non compliance.

Someone physically blocking you or stopping you from leaving the room or the house is an early red flag. Violence comes in increasing stages.

Violence can begin or end with psychological violence….the raping of the soul. If your identity is being stripped away or you are forced to hide your true self, then you are under diress.

Someone who is controlling you with fear is dangerous to you on every level. Even if tbey never strike you physically, if they are violating your core being then you need to escape.

Physical violence escalates each time. If tbey are punching walls and breaking your things, it is an intentional tactic to instill fear in you.

These are terror tactics just like terrorists use…only you are the target.

What is a good excuse for hitting you, bruising you, or physically intimidating you in any way? There is none. 

The very act of them coming up with excuses…such as you made them angry, they had a bad day or they had too much to drink….tells you that they are very dangerous.

Them making excuses means that there is always an excusable reason for violence and it will happen again.

There is no excuse for domestic violence or partner abuse. None.

Draw your boundaries and stick to them.

abuse red flags, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, domestic violence, healing from domestic abuse, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, narcopath, psychopathic abuse

Overt Abuse vs. Covert Abuse

Abusers have a wide variety of skills and tactics concerning abuse of their victims.

OVERT ABUSE

Some abuse is “overt” which means that it is visible or otherwise able to be  observed by the five senses. Verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse such as hitting, kicking, burning and restraining the victim are some of the ways an abuser uses overt abuse. 

COVERT ABUSE

Covert abuse is invisible and often is not recognized by onlookers as abuse at all. Often the victim does not even see it until they are already affected in a psychological way by this abuse. This invisible abuse is premeditated and intentional on the part of the abuser. 

The victim may see the covert abuse as accidental and that the abuser does not realize what they are doing to them. Narcissists and psychopaths are aware of the covert abuse. They use is systematically to crush down the self esteem of the victim and their confidence in their own perception of reality. 

The abuser will create an illusion for the victim called “shared psychosis” which is an altered, twisted reality in which the abuser makes themselves necessary to the survival of the victim. The victim is brainwashed to believe that they need to advice, the presence, the wisdom and the protection of the abuser. 

GASLIGHTING

Gaslighting is a tactic used by the narcissist which has many faces. There are 4 or 5 ways that abusers can use to gaslight their victims. There is an intentional misleading, misinterpreting, twisting and altering of reality. The victim will become unsure of they can remember things properly because the abuser denies the things the victim remembers to be have happened. 

ABUSER ALTERS REALITY

The abuser will make the victim feel like there is a problem with their memory and that they cannot properly remember events and things that were said by the abuser. Narcissists and psychopaths will re-write events any way they see fit and call them reality.

The victim is commanded to believe the version of reality the abuser tells them to, rather than their own memory of the events. 

Over time the self esteem and self confidence of the victim is eroded away and they turn to the abuser to explain what is real to them. The abuser may suggest, accuse or cause the victim mental illness. The abuser will say that the victim is unable to tell reality from fantasy. 

Smear Campaign

On-lookers of the relationship often believe the abuser when he tells them how he has to deal with the antics of the “overly sensitive ” victim. The abuser will often play the victim themselves and tell people that their partner is abusing them, rather than the other way around. 

The abuser can make up stories about the victim or change things around to make the victim appear at fault. 

Being in a state of anxiety and exasperation, the victim may appear distraught and it can be misunderstood by others.

Friends, co-workers, church members, even therapists believe that the abuser is being victimized. They see the victim as mentally ill or as “too sensitive” depending on how the abuser describes them to others.

This is the beginning of a smear campaign of the victim that can often continue long after the relationship ends. The narcissist can ruin the reputation of the victim and strip them of any friends, allies or family support.

ABUSER APPEARS TO BE THE VICTIM

About the victim, people wonder “what happened to her?”

” She used to be level headed and now there is something wrong with her. See how she makes accusations of this person that has only tried to help her?”

Abuser can Appear Benevolent

The abuser may show others how he / she has tried to help the victim in so many ways with money, support, and advising them. The abuser comes off looking like the good partner who was taken advantage of. 

The narcissist wears a mask that people think is really them. It never occurs to people that are looking on from the outside of the relationship that he /  she  might be lying right to their face.

People do not expect people to lie about their entire personality.

People understand little lies and lies to get our of trouble but it does not occur to normal people that someone would lie about everything including who they are, what they want, how they feel and what they think altogether. 

Psychopaths  and narcissists are not just in the movies.

They make up 3 to 4 percent of the population. You have interacted with them and never even recognized them. They target people who are easy to manipulate. These are usually people with abuse and toxic shame from their childhood. 

People that come from covert abuse tactics during their childhood are more likely to fall for the lies of the narcissist. The narcissist pretends to want and care for the victim.

The love-bombing stage is the beginning of the lies. This is the first mask that the narcissist uses to lure the victim in. 

Abuse is abuse and it causes damage to the victim that takes a long time to heal from. 

abuse red flags, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, dating a narcissist, domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, toxic people

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse – Ways to Feel Empowered- How to Spot a Liar

Narcissistic abuse is painful and healing from this kind of abuse is a long journey. One of the things that can help you to heal is to learn how to feel empowered. You need to build back the self confidence that was crushed down by the narcissist.

Many of us were abused during childhood in some way. Emotional abuse and mental abuse can be as damaging to the way the brain functions as any other kind of abuse.

Much of our brain wiring occurs before the age of six. There may be very early trauma that you do not even remember. If you have been the target of abusers then somehow you were programmed in a way that makes you susceptible to manipulative people.

When you were growing up you were supposed to be given certain brain software during the developmental stages. You should have been taught how to set boundaries to protect yourself. You should have been taught how to tell when someone is not treating you in the way that you deserve.

The ability to spot a liar and to tell when someone is lying to you can help you to feel empowered. It will make it harder for people to deceive you.

This lesson by David Snyder is very interesting. I recommend that you watch this. You will learn about why people accept lies, even when they realize that something is not quite right.

You will see how to tell signs of lying. The most important thing for you now is that you begin to focus on how you deserve to be treated. You should be in relationships with people that want to have genuine communication with you.

abusive relationships, dating a narcissist, healing from narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse

Taking the Red Pill of Narcissistic Abuse

If the eyes are the windows to the soul then grief is the door.  As long as it’s closed it’s the barrier between knowing and not knowing. Walk away from it and it stays closed. But open it and walk through it and the pain becomes the truth.  

Dexter tv series

The above quote is from the TV Series called Dexter. Ironically it is the psychopath Dexter that says this in episode 2 of Season 2. He was coming to terms with having murdered his own brother. 

As you know, psychopaths do not experience remorse or empathy like the rest of us but the writers of the show have to make the character likely somehow. It is hard for people to feel empathy towards a character that feels nothing. So they added this bit about Dexter feeling remorse about his brother and they gave the character PTSD from a childhood traumatic experience. 

The quote itself does tell a truth that I want to talk about with you a little bit today. The grief from narcissistic abuse is complex and difficult to overcome. It is multi layered and often easier to ignore than to deal with. 

The pain from narcissistic abuse encompasses all of you.  In some ways it is more painful than the abuse you experienced when you were with the abuser. People who never went through this have no idea why it seems to take us so long to “just get over it.”

The “red pill” reference is from the movie The Matrix. in the movie there was a red pill that was taken by people who felt that they wanted to see reality for what it really was. 

As Morpheus says in the movie “You were born into a prison you cannot smell, or taste or touch”

Taking the red pill meant a dissolving of the illusion of the matrix. The matrix was a false reality that the abusers in the movie (generated by the computer brain) created to make the people submissive. The computer fed off of the life force of the human bodies, while the actual bodies were in pods with tubes feeding off them. 

To the abusers the people were only food. The false reality that was created for them was designed to keep them from knowing they were being abused. The people just go through their lives oblivious to the fact that abusers like the computer brain even exist. 

Before we take the first red pill, victims are unaware of the scope and magnitude of narcissistic and psychopathic abuse. The first red pill comes with an earth shattering force that knocks the wind out of you. There are days when you wish you could take the “blue pill” which erases your memory about the matrix. 

After the first red pill are more red pills. Little by little we realize just how insidious the abuser really was. The abuser haunts our nightmares and keeps us awake at night. It is like they left a piece of them in our minds. 

In The Matrix, Morpheus says “Unfortunately no one can tell you what the matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. “

Once we begin to heal from the abuse and hear other victim’s stories, we see how narcissists are all around. We begin to feel like everyone is a narcissist and are almost paranoid as we search the faces of each person we meet. 

The truth about narcissism is all around us but we never saw it before. The toxic people that have manipulated and abused us…bosses, parents, boyfriends, in-laws, neighbors, landlords…

Was is better living in the matrix?  Do you wish you could go back and never had ingested that very first red pill?

The answer to that question is for you to answer. Not knowing  about the matrix keeps us controlled and manipulated by others. 

Knowing about the matrix means that we have to live the truth of narcissism. It means that we know psychopaths really exist and are not just in the movies. They are not just in the lives of someone in the news, but they are as close to us as the neighbor next door.

There are some YouTube personalities that tell you that narcissists and psychopaths make up about 1 percent of the population. However the CDC (Center for Disease Control) has done studies that say that the percentage is more like 3 to 4 percent. 

You are a survivor and a warrior. You are stronger than you think. Now you are one of the ones who has taken that red pill and can see the matrix for what it is. 

Sometimes it feels like you are in more danger now, but that it just because you are aware of the danger and you were not before. The truth is that you are safer now than you ever were before. 

You are learning about the red flags of abusers. You are learning about the tactics of narcissists and psychopaths. You have support from other survivors online.

Survivors of narcissistic abuse are a tribe all our own and we are hear to help and support one another. 

You will learn about co-dependence and people pleaser syndrome. You are learning how not to be a target for abusive people. You will not be taken in by the love bombing again.

You are okay. You will become stronger as you go. The matrix becomes more clear as you go along. Sometimes you still want to take a blue pill and forget. Sometimes you want to forget but you don’t really want to go back. 

Remember that “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This means that the things you are used to doing and the thoughts you are used to thinking will perpetuate themselves.  When you practice thinking in different ways, your brain will think in new ways.

You can re-wire bad thought patterns that were programmed into you during your childhood. If you were taught that you should tolerate abuse, then it was wired into your neuronal pathways. The way to re-wire it is to think in new ways on a regular basis.

Question the thoughts that you have and the feelings that tell you that you have to tolerate abuse.

There is no going back…only going forward. Life is path and you create the path under your feet as you walk upon it. Make your path unique and magical!

domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, psychopathic abuse, psychopaths

Mirroring Techniques of the Narcissist and the Psychopath

There is a reason why I really want you to watch this video. Mainly I want you to understand about mirroring, which is one of the tactics that narcissists use to manipulate you into feeling like they really understand you.

The man who made this video is doing it with the intention of giving you great information that you can use in your daily life and in your business.

This video does have valuable skills that you can use. The can be used with good intentions in order to make people feel comfortable with you. Dr. Matt who is leading this video is not a narcissist and he is not aware of the ways in which this information can be used for evil.

He even mentions that he feels that mirroring can only be used in situations that end up with an equal exchange of goodness. I am sure he uses it this way and that is also his intention in teaching it.

I would recommend learning more about these techniques if you feel they would be valuable to you. There are more great videos that he has and you can also learn about NLP from NLP planet.com.

But that being said, the main reason I want you, as a person that has been lured in by a narcissist or a psychopath, to watch this video, is so that you can understand what mirroring is. This is one of the tools in the bag of the narcissist.

This is one of the main tools they use during the idealization phase.

They will do physiological mirroring if they are in front of you, and they will do other kinds of mirroring over the phone, or even over google chat or email. As you watch this video, you will learn about how tonality, word choices, phrases and other behaviors of the person can be matched.

I want you to be aware that these techniques have a powerful psychological effect on a person that has no idea they are being mirrored.

How does the narcissist . psychopath know these things?

I don’t know for sure. I think that different people are different.

I have seen blogs and sites that actually cater to men who want to learn how to manipulate people. You could look up “how to be a narcissist” or “how to be Machiavellian” or “machiavellian techniques” and things like that. I have seen some very scary sites and one of them is on WordPress.

These sites are lead by psychopaths and narcissists in order to train others on how to use manipulation to get ahead in the business, to manipulate women etc.

If any men are reading this, I am  not negating any experience you have had with a female narcissist. I am we aware they are out there. In fact I am currently in an abusive situation with one myself, which I am trying to work my way out of.

However, as far as web sites that teach narcissism, I have only seen ones that are run by men ad cater to men. The conversations are very demeaning to women and they often refer to women as either predators that have to be shut down, or as stupid and weak.

Mirroring techniques, however can be used equally well by females or males. All narcissists and psychopaths either have an innate ability for this, or they learned it as they went along, or they studied it.

These techniques could be learned as someone was focused on figuring out how to lure people into their net and how to get people to trust them. Narcissists need to be able to establish rapport with other people, in order to be seen as charming and appealing.

Since they have no empathy, narcissists have to appear to have empathy.

They watch other people and learn how they move, how they sound, and what they say, when they are experiencing different emotions. The narcissist observes people and learns to copy what to say and how to express emotions that they do not have.

This is how the narcissists are able to fit in and seem like they have the same emotions that other people have about the same things.

For example, let’s say you were sitting in a bar and a news story about a house fire came on the tv.

People watching the news report would normally have some feelings of sorrow and compassion for the family who lost their children, their pets, or their belongings in the fire. The narcissist cannot just sit there in the bar and make fun of the other people for being compassionate.

No, they have to act like the other people are acting. So when they are in situations like this, they watch the other what the other people do. They mirror them, so as to seem just like everyone else. This is why it is hard to spot a psychopath, unless you are really trained to do it. Even then, it may take time to recognize them.

It is a basic concept in any opponent sports or even in war, that you are better off of you know the tactics of your opponent.

If there are people out there that tend to target your type of personality, then you need to be aware of the tactics and techniques they use.

So watch this video to learn about mirroring. At least for the purposes of knowing how these mirroring techniques work and why. It will make you less likely to get drawn in by them. Do not assume that just because someone seems to be like you, when you are first dating them, that they are just like you.

Make sure that your map of reality includes people that just pretend to have the same values and feelings that you have.

There are people that truly do share your values and beliefs. There are also people who will pretend to share similarities with you, in order to lure you into their web.

Let me say again that the intentions of this video were to help people and to teach NLP techniques. I do not think this is a narcissist training video. But all good things tend to be able to be used for evil. Narcissists take things and twist them around and use them for malicious intent.

Personally I find NLP to be helpful in many ways and it can used with very good intentions. I am only sharing this video with you because it does such a great job of explaining what mirroring is and what the psychological effect of mirroring can be.

Narcissists use mirroring to lure in their victim and then they change from the idealization phase to the devaluation phase. This is the design of the narcissist. This bait and switch has  nothing  to do with NLP. It has to do with the narcissist.

For one on one coaching for narcissistic abuse please visit my web site gentlekindnesscoaching.com

You can send me a message on the contact page there. You can add your email address for newsletter and specials and coupons. 
You can reserve your coaching time and get more info about pricing which begins at 15 dollars.
domestic abuse, domestic violence, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse meme, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, narcopath, Psychopath abusive relationship, psychopathic abuse, psychopaths

Narcissist Mind Manipulation Reality Altering

narcissistic abuse is brainwashing