domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, Narcissists, narcopath, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse

PTSD Caused by Neglect and Abuse by a Partner

All people have needs to survive. We need to have proper shelter, food and health care. People need to feel safe and that their needs will be met.

Maslow developed the hierarchy of needs theory in 1943. He stated that people have needs that must be met before other ones. The basic needs for shelter and safety must be met for all people.

There is no room for fun, learning, socializing or self-actualizing without the basic needs being met first.

The person fails to thrive. All the things other people do are just not the priority. The safety is the priority and dominates the person’s thoughts and emotions.

When someone is in a living situation where these needs are not met, they are left feeling vulnerable and afraid. The situation is unsafe and potentially life threatening.

There are different types of domestic abuse. All of them involve the person being stripped of their self-esteem and being denied basic needs that every human has.

There are men and women who experience violence against them in their own home. There are episodes of violence and there is a constant threat of violence.

This threat forces the brain to be on alert and suspicious all the time.

The brain is not designed to be in this state for a prolonged periods of time and damage can occur to the way the brain assesses the possibility and level of potential threats for years to come.

There are domestic abuse situations which involve financial abuse. People are controlled financially and cannot take care of their own needs.

I lived in an abuse situation years ago in which I had to go without heat for most of a very cold winter.

My money was controlled and I was not “allowed” to purchase heating oil. I still fear the cold and feel very unsafe and can go into a state of post traumatic stress when I fear that I will be forced to be cold. Even the oncoming winter is frightening to me.

When a person is not taken care of and not permitted to take care of themselves, it causes a trauma.

It is terrifying to feel that you are in danger of freezing, going hungry, going without medical care and any other basic needs. When someone denies you basic human needs it is frightening and creates a horrible feeling of vulnerability.

Living in these types of abusing situations also causes severe damage to a person’s self-esteem. They may doubt their own ability to provide for their own basic needs for years after the original trauma.

The feeling of being vulnerable and in danger is carried in the brain and in the nervous system.

Any situation which is a reminder of the original traumatic abusive situation can trigger a post traumatic stress attack. The person will collapse under the weight of the fear and not be able to function normally.

In addition to traumatic attacks (like severe panic attacks), the person can have a constant feeling of being unsafe. They feel that any minute something could happen to put them in a place of fear and danger.

Most people have never been in a dangerous situation of violence of of being in danger of starving or freezing to death. They have never been in a situation where someone threatened to cause them to lose their job unless they were compliant.

We have lived through an on-going situation of terror and physical and mental abuse. Being forced to go without basic needs is mentally abusive as well as physically abusive.

It is also emotionally abusive. We need to be loved.

How could the person we trusted and loved, allow us to suffer like that? They made us feel that we were at fault or that we did not deserve to be taken care of. We did not deserve to be able to take care of ourselves.

It is difficult for people to understand the post traumatic stress that can result from living in a domestic abuse situation. It can take years to feel safe again or the person may never feel truly safeIt is hard to trust people again.

A person who survived domestic abuse trusted someone who violated them in the worst possible way. They treated them like they were not human. It is very hard to truly trust anyone again after that happens to you.

It is hard to trust situations.

I trusted that I would have food and heat once. Now I never really feel confident that my current situation will be able to be sustained.

I am often anxious on my way home about  whether or not the house will still have heat in the winter. The fear does not subside until I enter the door and feel that the heat is working.

It is a terrible thing to live with post traumatic stress disorder. It is sad that so many people do not understand how we feel. 

We have lived through situations where there was a very real threat. In our minds, what is to keep it from happening again. Our good judgement?

Clearly our judgement let us down already. How can we trust ourselves?

My hope is for awareness that will generate some understanding. I also pray that all of the many people suffering PTSD from domestic abuse are able to one day find peace and a feeling of safety.

Namaste,
Annie

Advertisements
domestic abuse, domestic violence, gaslighting, life, mental abuse, mental health, post traumatic stress disorder, post traumatic stress disorder from domestic abuse . mental abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse

Why Do I Miss the Partner Who Was Mentally Abusive to Me? Why am I so Lonely ?

Question:

How can I feel okay after the relationship with an abusive person ends? Why do I feel so lonely and miss them?

Answer:

You will not feel ok, at the beginning. It is very painful and I empathize with the extreme emotional trauma of the breakup. Due to the tendency of a narcissist to become blended with you , when you break up, it is hard to function without them. They will do much better than you and recover faster.

The illusion is that they are very needy of you and that you are their angel and savior. It seems like they should have an emotional crisis and be in the same pain you are after the breakup, but it is usually much more painful for the victim.

You actually loved them and felt real caring for them. You probably still worry if they will be able to survive without you. But they are good at getting people to the things they want and need them to do. They will manipulate them with flattery, and a seemingly humble deferring to their expertise.

They will then appear as a helpless, victimized person who is desperate for the other person’s help. They will get help and be able to find people to be there for them. Believe me.

You can let that worry go, and that will help you to start with. You do not have to feel guilty about breaking up.

The other reason you feel pain, is that the narcissist was involved in every aspect of your life and in every part of your day. There is no thing you can do, that does not make you feel like you should be doing it with them. You feel like you should be consulting with them, checking in with them, getting approval from them.

You temporarily lost your individual identity to this relationship. It will take time to get it back and learn to make your own choices without feeling guilty. Remember, in healthy relationships, people do not have to get permission for everything they do or include the partner in everything they do all day.

There was a feeling that you thought was love from them, but it was their need to be in control over you and over everything. They scolded you if you did not call them bout your plans and also if you did not schedule your day around them.

You become used to scheduling your day around the other person. It feels like you are working as a team to d that, but the question is,”How many times did they ever, work their schedule around you? How many times did they ever put your needs before their own?”

In contrast, “How many times did you rearrange things for them because they told you it was an emergency? How many times did you sacrifice and put your needs before theirs??”

Part of you knew that this was not right. You knew that if they really loved you, then they would put your needs as a priority sometimes, especially when you were suffering for some reason. But what happened every time you needed them to help you? They suddenly had a crisis that was much more important than yours. Something suddenly came up that was a life and death circumstance with their job and they had to tell you “NO” this time.

How many times did you ever tell them no? What happened when you did try to tell them you could not do something?

How many times did they tell you “ok no problem” when you asked for something? When they did do something for you, how many times did they remind you about it? Did they use it as an excuse not to do anything for you, for a long time after that?

On the other hand, how many favors would you do for them in a row? When you tried to say “N0” to the 20th favor they asked, because you were overloaded, how did they respond? Did they make you feel like a bad partner? Did they mention the one favor they did for you? Did they seem to completely forget all of the other things you have ever done for them, like they did not exist?

Yeah, been there, done that.

It is going to hurt. But it will get less over time. The more of your identity you get back, the better. The more you become comfortable with making your choices and running your own schedule again, the better.

abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, PTSD from domestic abuse, red flags you are dating an abuser, women abuse

Revisiting / Reliving Domestic Abuse… Understanding and Living with trauma

The aftermath of being in a relationship with a narcissist is riddled with revisiting the trauma and retraumatization. You may be well aware you are experiencing these things or you may not know why you are feeling and reacting in the ways that  you are.

You may react to things in a way that does not seem consistent with what is actually going on. This may be a reaction out of a traumatized brain to stimuli that is threatening to you, even if you don’t really know why.

Revisiting / reliving the traumatic events can be different for different people. Some people will be triggered by watching movies, seeing news articles or reading books about similar things that happened to them.

Someone who was traumatized by being constantly screamed at, belittled and called names may be triggered into a state of post traumatic stress by a tv show that shows a character screaming at and criticizing someone.

This kind of trigger is an obvious connection to the traumatic situation that the person endured.  Watching the character being treated in the same way you were treated, brings up the past feelings of helplessness, shame and confusion. Your brain may flashback to a time when you were treated in a similar manner.

Flashbacks may include vivid, detailed memories of what happened or instead  bring up the feelings without a clear picture. Sometimes the brain goes into a kind of shock that creates an amnesia effect.

You may have events or entire periods of time blacked out from your memory. They may come back over time, but I would never suggest pushing yourself to force the memory.

Anything that is an association to  your trauma, can trigger a severe anxiety state, called post traumatic stress. It could be a song, a noise, an object, or a location.  It can even be a type of situation. If you were repeatedly embarrassed and humiliated in a diner, then being in a diner at all (any diner) may bring feelings of extreme fear and discomfort.

You may never be able to eat in a diner again. That’s ok. There are plenty of other places to eat. You have to respond to your trauma with compassion and kindness.

Living with a traumatized brain requires mindfulness and compassion towards yourself. Be mindful of the things that trigger you, Be aware and allow your feelings to be. You may be able to do things, when you are further along in the healing process that you cannot do now. There is no need to retraumatize yourself by subjecting yourself to disturbing or anxiety provoking things.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve some kindness and acceptance.

Blessings,

Just Another Lovely Wounded Lady

abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, wellness, women abuse

Being Retraumatized After We Leave our Abusive Relationship

Good morning ladies ! Well actually it is 2:25 pm and I am still in bed. That’s the way it is going today. I am hiding under my covers.

I can hear the wind blowing too loudly. I live on the top floor of this old house. It is like an attic. The wind sounds different up here. It is so loud and it whistles and makes a kind of howling noise. There is actually a pitch to it, as if it is singing a creepy song, that might be in a horror movie.

It is funny that when I write out those kinds of thoughts that go through my head here, it is ok. But if I actually talk that way out in the real world, where the “normals” live, then my words are met with contempt.

Apparently there are people that do not want to hear you describe the wind or the fog in such painted detail. They do not want to hear your feeling about the wind making noises at you or the fog looking like it could engulf you.

Those are thoughts that I have learned are better kept to myself. So, when I remember to bite my tongue then I keep my thoughts to myself.  When I forget that my speaking of such things will scare the straights, then I get into trouble.

When you have survived domestic abuse, you have a different perspective on life and even the wind than other people do. If you are still in a domestic abuse situation, then I am  very sorry for you and I hope you find the support here that you need , to give you that extra push to get out.

When you have lived through months and years of another person tormenting your mind, it does something to you. It does something to your mind. I would not go as far to say that all of us are mentally unbalanced. I would say that we have been psychologically injured.

We have been psychologically injured in such a way that things do not have the same priority and perspective that they used to. We see things differently than other people. We feel things and react to things differently than other people.

We appear the same as them on the outside, but the damage is on the inside. There is a place where we are always bleeding. There is a place inside of us where we know we are different. We were broken, Our minds were tortured in a way that only other victims could understand,

I hear the sound of the wind, and it blows and makes those howling noises. It reminds me that I did not choose to live in the upper most floor of a house, with my ex in laws. I am terrified of top floors, to the point of a phobia.

If I chose my own place to live, it would be on a first or second floor. The wind howling reminds me that I should not be here at all. I should not have had to escape and hide from some. It never should have happened.

It should not have happened to me. It should not have happened to you.

The fact is that after leaving an abuser, we are retraumatized again and again. I am constantly reminded that I had to leave an abuser because I ended up living where I hate to live. I do not like the people and I hate the creepy attic.

I hate carrying my laundry down and up 2 flights of steps. I hate carrying bags of groceries, for 3 people, up 2 flights of long torturous steps. My arthritis is advanced and the pain in my knees and hips, when I carry things up and down the steps is torturous.

When we have to leave our abuser, we often have to settle for whomever will take us in. We have to go somewhere fast, because the level of violence is escalating in our house. We are in danger to stay there, so we just have to go somewhere to get away.

I am mentally tormented by these people I live with, that are supposedly loving family members and the grandparents of my children.

As adults, we should be able to choose where we live and how we want to live. As victims, we have to go to the only option we have that opens up first. We have to go where we are safe. But us being physically safe the same as being mentally safe?

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts in the comment section below

Blessings,

Annie

battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, PTSD from domestic abuse, relationships, self esteem, women abuse

Something to Remember When You Drink Your Morning Coffee !

My voice matters

abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, life, marriage, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, PTSD from domestic abuse, relationships, women abuse

Domestic Abuse and Damage to Self Esteem

Domestic abuse results in mental breakdown. There is no physical abuse without mental abuse. There is no sexual abuse without mental abuse. There is no financial abuse without mental abuse. gaslighting is severe mental abuse and anything else that is targeted to destroying your self esteem, your individuality, your independence and your ability to think for yourself, is mental abuse.

The men that abuse women’s minds are doing it to gain control over your thinking process. They do not want you to have an original thought. They want you to agree with their ideas and their thoughts. They do not want you to have any independence. This would be threatening to their control over you.

They want to have someone to dump on and take their anger out on. They want you at their beck and call when they want sex, money or someone to rage at. They want a scapegoat for their mistakes and their faults.  Did I say “their” faults? Oh. I forgot…they don’t have any! Not according to them anyway.

If they are incapable of doing something, you must be to blame for it. You are not supportive enough. You are not picking up enough slack at home. You made them angry before they went to work, therefore, it is YOUR FAULT they lost their job! They would have been in a better mood at work and not “acted out” in front of the customer or their co-worker, if you had not caused them to do so.

If they have not had enough sleep, it is…Yep, You guessed it!…YOUR FAULT! again.  If they overslept, it was your fault too. If they are low on gas, it is your fault because they drove you to work yesterday.

The narcissist abuser is full of contradictions. You are lazy about taking care of their home, yet you are too ambitious about your job. You are slutty when you wear make-up out of the house, but you are a prude when you are not in the mood to have sex with them  (after they have been raging at you.) You are too demanding of their time when you need something but you are too unavailable when they want you.

The mental abuser wants you to feel inferior to them. You are not intelligent enough to understand things, even though you graduated from college and they dropped out of 2 trade schools. You are not as pretty as the other girls he dated but he is kind enough to let that go, because he is a wonderful man.

You do not keep the house clean enough or make dinner from scratch often enough. This is true, even if he is out of work and you are working double to cover his part of the bills. This is true even when he just got fired  and you are working extra hours while he sits home and sulks.

You can never ever, never ever be good enough. The house will never be clean enough. The meals will never be good enough. You will never be on time, even when you were ready early, because somehow you caused him to take too long to get out the door.

He is angry when you go to work and acts as if you are going to a party without him. His job is very hard men’s work but your job is just women’s work. You would never understand what REAL work is about. Women just think they work hard!

I was working as a nurse aide in a nursing home once. This is one of the most difficult jobs I have ever done in my life. It is extremely physically demanding because you have to lift people all the time. You are constantly pushed too hard and yelled at by the supervisors. You get attached to the patients and then you watch them die.

My boyfriend said… “Your job is easy. All you do is push wheelchairs around all day!”  This was after I had told him many stories about what I had done at work and had come home in extreme pain so many times from injuring myself while lifting someone.

There are constant snide and sarcastic comments at your expense. My ex once said to me “Are you sure you went to college? I don’t know what they taught you there. You can’t even pick out the “right” bread at the grocery store.”

So, yeah! That is life with a mental abuser. I have many stories from my own experience that I will share on this blog. I want to create awareness so that other women can identify the fact that they are being abused or that they were abused in the past.

We lose our self esteem and we feel like we have lost our minds because the abuser has a way of twisting reality around. They constantly change the facts, to suit their purposes.  Eventually you begin to question your own sanity, your intelligence and your ability to survive without them.

Let’s collaborate! Let’s put our heads together and figure out whether we are really stupid, crazy, lazy, slutty, and insensitive or if we are truly lovely ladies who have great gifts to offer the world!

abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, women abuse

The Lovely Wounded Lady … A Blog for the Women from Domestic Abuse

you are stronger than you think

I am one of many wounded women that escaped or is still living in domestic abuse. Some of you have managed to get out and are still suffering mentally from the damage your brain incurred.

I know that some of you are still there and need support to get out. The rest of us are here to help you find your way. We are strong women and we will hold each other up.

When  any one of us is suffering in torment, the rest of us suffer too. Anytime one of us escapes a mentally or otherwise abusive relationship, the rest of us are victorious!

Domestic abuse is wrong. Domestic abuse hurts. Mental torture has long lasting effects on each one of us. We may have gotten out years ago, but our brains are still suffering from PTSD.

I have other blogs and I am happy with how well they are doing. I have a mental illness blog that is about various mental illnesses and the struggle to keep going. I did post some domestic abuse posts on that blog, but I really felt that this topic deserved it’s very own blog.

I would love to see women come together here in order to support each other. I will tell my story in bits and pieces, with transparency and truthfulness. You are also welcome to have a voice here.

You can tell us whatever you want to about your story, in the comments here. You can also write a post about yourself, in anonymity, and I will post it. If you want to talk to me about writing a post about your domestic abuse story, please leave me a comment below and I will respond to you when I can, with information about how we can proceed.

This is the first blog that I have done, that is very specific to one topic. I am very excited and encouraged about creating this blog today. It is another step in my healing process. The time had come to get some of the secrets out.

There is often a feeling of shame about having been in an abusive relationship. There may also be feelings of shame about who else was involved (your children) .

If you had to escape then you may have had to do things that were out of emergency that you felt you had no choice but to do. Escaping a situation that is dangerous is tricky and calls for doing things that you would not usually do. Sometimes there is shame about what you had to do to escape.

If you want to post your story here, but you want to be completely anonymous, let me know. I can post the story without linking it to your blog and we can make up a name for you.

I am excited about this blog and I hope that it will be a home for many women, who need to go home once in a while. It is hard to feel at home anywhere, after you have lived in an abusive home.

When you have been mentally tortured, no place feels safe. It is hard to tell your story to others without judgement. This is the place for you, with a safe space for communication. No judgement. No junk advice that only serves to frustrate you.

If you are still living in abuse, consider this your home as well. The women here will understand what you are going through and how hard it really is to get out.

This is not a replacement for therapy of counseling. I am not a therapist or a counselor. I am just a friend, opening my home to you to come and visit for a while. Sit and have some tea or coffee and chat.

You are stronger than you think you are !

This Lovely Wounded Lady Says, “You are Stronger Than You Think!”