image by Steven Aitchison
I saw this today and I thought it was really great. We need to let go of the things and the people that are bringing us down…keeping us from blossoming and reaching for our dreams. You can surround yourself with people who support you and do not ask you to change to suit them.
Your dreams matter and you have been through enough pain. It is time to listen to that inner voice that is telling you what is best for you. Emotional pain is telling us not to go in certain directions…and to get away from certain people.
Listen to your pain…and listen to your passion. No one has a right to crush your dreams. If you feel lead to do something, you should do it.
Love and Peace,
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Many cases of narcissistic abuse end up in the financial devastation of the victim. But long before the end of the relationship, the victim is living fat below what is humane and normal.
Because the narcissist does not see you as an individual human being with rights and boundaries, your living conditions are of no concern to them.
Basic needs for healthcare, spending cash, healthy environment, and safe living environment are often refused by the narcissist. The victim lives behind closed doors is despicable, inhumane conditions, that they are too embarrassed and ashamed to speak of outside of the home.
Even after the relationship has ended, and the victim begins to interact with other victims, this is a dark secret that is kept hidden. There is extreme shame about having to live in sub-human conditions and it is even hard to explain.
Since the victim is so used to being doubted and gaslighted, this secret is never talked about for fear of re-traumatization. The victim just cannot take any more minimization or disbelief of their reality.
They also cannot tolerate any more shaming than they have already endured from the narcissist, and from others who disbelieved any parts of their truth.
This post is just to let you know that other victims have also lived in sub-human conditions at the hands of a narcissist. It may be one of the most powerful ways the narcissist controls you.
When you are suffering just to exist, there is no energy for anything else. Your self esteem is completely crushed and you fear letting anyone into your home to see how you live.
This has the effect of completely isolating you from potential helpers, friends and anyone who might try to bring any light of truth into the dark reality tunnel the narcissist makes you exist in.
Domestic abuse shatters your self esteem because you are treated in such an inhumam way. No…worse than that…you are treated worse than an animal.
Domestic violence and mental / emotional abuse take away your dignity and leave you feeling heavily weighted with shame. It is hard for people who have not been through abuse to understand the shame, and it is hard to explain to them.
The events which occur behind closed doors, in an abusive house, are dofficult to tell people about. If you try to tell them and they do not believe you, this can be very painful and re-traumatizing.
Because you cannot tolerate any more pain, you will likely give up after being re-traumatized a few times by people you thought would believe you.
Some of the events are harr for people to believe, particularly if they knew your abuser, and the abuser treated them completely differently than they treated you. Not only that, the abuser also treated you differently in front of other people, than they did when you were alone with them.
You will be accused of lying, mis-contruing events, having a bad memory, misunderstanding the abuser’s intentions and of being mentally unbalanced. People do not believe that you interpret, perceive or remember events and situations accurately.
The reason this is particularly painful, is that the abuser also accused you of the very same things, many times. They said they did not really “bump” into you that hard, you bruise easily, and that they have been very patient with your over-sensitivity.
They told you that you have a tendency to forget things, to mis-interpret things and even to be abusive to them and not think you were being abusive.
Your reality was has been so twisted around that it took a great effort to regain your faith in your own perception of reality. Even now, you may have the habit of questioning what you see and heat. But your gut tells you when something is wrong about how someone is treating you.
Sometimes the pain of being re-traumatized, minimized, disbelieved, and humiliated all over again can make you self-isolate. You may have cut off contact with people, or you just do not talk to people about anything personal.
There is a natural human need to connect with others. Feeling alone and isolated can extend the abuse. If you are still living with abuse, then you may be very isolated from other people.
Sometimes hearing your very own story, from someone else who is telling their story, can be surprising, because you feel like you are the only one. The abuser quite intentionally caused you to feel that you were very different from other people.
They intentionally isolated you, for a few reasons. They did not want you to have outside support or objective opinions. They wanted to be able to have full access to your brain, allowing keys to no one.
As you are beginning to read about the patterns, methods, and intentional techniques of the abuser, you will be surprised how they are all the same. That being said….these methods are extremely effective and soul raping.
The feeling of isolation, both during and after abuse can cause extreme depression and it can cause anxiety disorders. You can feel mentally and emotionally isolated in a room full of people.
As you continue on your journey towards healing, you will find your authentic self. You will slowly grow more balanced over time and be able to re-build your self confidence.
You are special and unique. The abuser targeted you because you were compassionate and understanding. These qualities are still a part of you and they make you an important and special person.
Narcissistic abuse is painful. You can experience such grief in the midst of being emotionally abused that you feel hopeless.
Depression and anxiety can overcome your heart, your mind and your soul. Healing from this extreme level of multi-layered pain takes time.
You are not alone. Living in sn abusive environment is like living in hell. Your reality can become twisted all around by the abuser, who does this intentionally. They get some sadistic pleasure from confusing you and stripping away your identity.
All kinds of symptoms can arise, even months after you are out of the abuse. The psychopath or narcissist wants you to still think about them after they are gone. It feeds their addiction to attention and grandiosity.
You feel small and insignificant…and like you are living under a heavy weight that you can hardly move underneath of.
You can heal and regain your sense of self. Keep having faith in yourself and imagine the things you want out of life.
You were conditioned…probably from childhood…that what you want does not matter. But why do someone else’s dreams matter more than yours do?
Don’t give up. It gets darker before it gets lighter. There are moments of crushing darkness but the light is still out there waiting for you.
There are other victims who care and can help to lead you out. Talking to people who have not been through narcissistic abuse can retraumatize you. Try to find people who have been there and have gone through the darkness into the light.
Let tbe veil of illusion come down and let the light come in to heal your broken heart and wounded soul.
I was charmed by his intelligence
Lured by the vulnerability
like a mother bear to a lost cub
What else could I do?
What other choice do you see?
Couldn’t just leave him that way
all torn and bleeding
from the abuse and cruelty
in his past…
He needed to be saved…
He seemed to know what I was feeling
Like he knew me from another life
He understood me so well
Listened to me with a distant empathy
Heard every story, felt every pain
I opened everything up to him
Spilled out all my fears,
All my hopes, all my dreams
He listened to my weaknesses and said
Never you mind,
Better to accept them and
get them out in the open
You’ve been holding them too long
He made careful note of my deepest fears
My triggers, and my trauma
Kept mental notes on every fine detail
What would you think?
What would you assume?
It was true love’s patient virtue?
This was a confidant to be trusted?
With my life?
With my mind?
With my sanity?
Let me shed some light…
on the darkness of some people
that hunt for strangers
full of passion, kindness
empathy, and loneliness
There are predators hunting now
as I write these words right now
for you to heed somehow…
like your life depends on them
and the hope inside you head…
So you shall not bleed
From deep spiritual wounding
and psychological breaking
My warning is true
Watch your step unlike mine
Keep your passion
tempered with ration
Stay away from the psychopath
Once you have crossed over
There is no going back
You can escape…
remove your body from the crime…
but how can you remove
the intimate knowledge of darkness
from your mind?
Narcissists are very good at persuasion techniques and ways to get you to trust them, in order to lure you in.
If you felt right away that they were not to be trusted then you would not have continued onto the next level of intimacy with them.
Some narcissists actively study and train to learn these techniques and others just naturally develop them. Since they do not have to learn to follow the moral and ethical practices that other people do, it leaves them more time for learning these techniques by trial and error.
Narcissists want to control people in order to extract narcissistic supply or to use them as sources for narcissistic supply in some way.
They can control you better if they learn about you. In order to learn about you they need you to reveal things about yourself to them.
You would not reveal personal things to someone like dreams, fears, and skeletons in your closet unless you felt like you could trust them with this intimate knowledge of you. They lure you into telling them about yourself by gaining your trust.
The ways in which they gain your trust are intentional and basically a kind of hypnosis.
There is something called Conversational Hypnosis, which is something that narcissists are good at. They have practice it over and over again and they have each developed their own special brand of brainwashing through hypnosis.
This video that I have shared with you is a class by David Snyder. He is a really excellent teacher of hypnosis and NLP hypnosis. He teaches hypnosis to people who are therapists and life coaches amongst other professions that want to be able to lead people to certain goals.
This type of hypnosis can be very helpful and add value to the lives of people, of the hypnotist has honest intentions and keeps the client safe. I have shared this video with you so that you can see that the techniques in this video are used by narcissists for malice.
If you have an opponent that is in a match with you and you do not understand the rules and techniques, but they do, this puts you at a great disadvantage. But once you understand the techniques that the narcissists use to lure you in, to get you to trust them and to believe the things they tell you, then you will be much harder to manipulate in the future.
I recommend that you watch this video and see how he uses the technique of pacing and leading.
David Snyder defines a “pace” as something in your present environment that the other person can verify as true. This means that the abuser will say things to you that you can validate as truth.
Once they give you enough truth then your brain begins to expect that the next thing they say will be true. Once the victim’s brain sees that the narcissist is saying true things then it lowers its defenses (filters) and begins to accept the things the narcissist says as true.
The next thing is called a “lead.” David Snyder defines a lead as something that you want the person to believe, to think, to say or to do.
So the narcissist will give you 4 or 5 paces and then 1 lead. Then they will give you 4 paces and 2 leads. More and more the paces can become less and the they can give you more suggestions that they want you to believe to be true.
Here is an example
“You are a single mother that has had to struggle with raising your kids on your own. You have had many obstacles in your life and you have overcome many things. Women have it hard when they have to work and also take care of their family. I really respect your resilience and I think you are to be commended. “
Do you see where this begins as true statements that you agree with and know to be true…and then…they tell you something that is not true but that they want you to believe? The “lead” that they want you to believe is that they have great respect for you and they think you deserve to be commended.
In this context of the hypnotic pattern of pacing and leading, their words seem to be true and you do not question them. If they had just started off by saying “I have great respect for you and I think you are to be commended…you would not be sure of that were true about how they felt about you.
During one conversation the narcissist can take you through this pattern of paces and leads many times. The more you begin to assume they are being transparent with you, the more you begin to trust them. The more you can validate the things they are saying are true, the more you will trust them.
The narcissist can use this same technique to get you to believe the false self is really them. They begin by giving you “paces” which you can verify are true. They can tell you about the business they own and then show you the link to the web site.
They can tell you that they specialize in a certain field and then demonstrate that they are knowledgeable in that field…or at least they can give you just enough that you believe they have proven that they are trained in that field.
Then once they have given you things about themselves that your brain can verify to its satisfaction to be true, then the narcissist can say something that you cannot verify but that your brain will accept as true.
This might be something about their personality that is not true such as …”I am a team player at work. I respect and listen to my employees”
Now you are seeing them as a person who respects their employees and someone that values people.
They might then give you some more paces and then tell you something like …”I am a loving kind of person. My employees feel like it is a family there. “
This of course is a complete lie since their employees actually fear and loath them. He controls and manipulates them and sucked the blood out of them while sadistically undermining and degrading them.
But when he says it to you using the Conversational Hypnosis techniques, it really seems to be true. You feel as though he was telling you the truth from the beginning of the conversation and from then on you believe the things he tells you without question.
Check out the video and have some fun with it. If you think of this as something new and fun to learn then I believe you will enjoy it. Instead of feeling bad about the games the narcissist played on you, learn the tactics they used so you can feel empowered.
Once you know the rules they are playing by then they can no longer confuse and manipulate you without your knowledge and consent. At least not with this pace and lead technique.
Please know that violence tends to escalate. It begins with control and manipulation with a threat of retaliation for non compliance.
Someone physically blocking you or stopping you from leaving the room or the house is an early red flag. Violence comes in increasing stages.
Violence can begin or end with psychological violence….the raping of the soul. If your identity is being stripped away or you are forced to hide your true self, then you are under diress.
Someone who is controlling you with fear is dangerous to you on every level. Even if tbey never strike you physically, if they are violating your core being then you need to escape.
Physical violence escalates each time. If tbey are punching walls and breaking your things, it is an intentional tactic to instill fear in you.
These are terror tactics just like terrorists use…only you are the target.
What is a good excuse for hitting you, bruising you, or physically intimidating you in any way? There is none.
The very act of them coming up with excuses…such as you made them angry, they had a bad day or they had too much to drink….tells you that they are very dangerous.
Them making excuses means that there is always an excusable reason for violence and it will happen again.
There is no excuse for domestic violence or partner abuse. None.
Draw your boundaries and stick to them.