abuse, abuse red flags, abusive relationships, battered women, blame shifting, devaluation, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, Psychopath, Psychopath abusive relationship, red flags of an abusive person, red flags you are dating an abuser, Uncategorized, verbal abuse

Escalating Partner Abuse and Domestic Violence

Domestic abuse increases in intensity over time. There are certain red flags to look for that often predict future violence.

Please know that any kind of restriction of your movement or freedom of mobility is abuse. If your partner is angry and blocks the doorway so you cannot leave and you are afraid to pass them, this is abuse. This behavior often leads to holding, hitting and other physically abusive behaviors.

Someone holding your wrists to keep you from leaving, or holding your body so you can’t move, against your consent, to keep you from leaving the room, is physical abuse.

Your partner sitting on top of you to hold you down, in anger, is abuse. If they accidentally “bump into you” hard enough to injure you, or to threaten or frighten you, this is abuse.

Verbal threats of physical violence are abuse. Damaging your property and punching holes in the walls to frighten you, is abuse.

Swinging their fist or hand, near to your face or body, to frighten you, is abuse. Other behavior which is abusive is taking your keys, or hiding your keys so you cannot leave the house.

Anything designed to force you to stay when you want to leave is abusive. This includes hiding your car or disabling your car. Also interfering with your car payments such as by intercepting your mail or computer payment.

Threatening your children, and implying threats to your children is abuse, and often is a sign of more escalated violence to come.

Pregnancy often escalates abuse. Children living in the house that do not belong to the abuser, is a red flag to watch for physical abuse, if other signs mentioned above have occured.

You should not feel threatened or frightened by your partner. It is not normal.

You should not feel like you have to walk on egg shells not to anger your partner. Love is not controlling and manipulative.

If someone loves you they want you to feel safe. Someone who loves you will accept you for who you are, and not demand you change for them and comply with everything they want.

Abusers feel entitled. They think of you as something they own. They expect you to know what they want and how they want it. They sometimes will intentionally change the rules without telling you, just to see you “fail.”

If any of these things sound familiar, please begin to find a way out of the relationship. But be careful about how you leave them.

Confronting a control freak partner can lead to sudden violence that you may not expect. Contact a women’s shelter so that they can advise you about safe escape.

Blessings,

Annie

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abuse poetry, abusive relationships, dark poetry, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, narcissism, narcissistic abuse, Narcissists, poetry, psychopathic abuse, psychopaths

Intimacy with Darkness – Narcissistic / Psychopathic Abuse Poetry

I was charmed by his intelligence

Lured by the vulnerability

like a mother bear to a lost cub

What else could I do?

What other choice do you see?

Couldn’t just leave him that way

all torn and bleeding

from the abuse and cruelty

in his past…

He needed to be saved…

right?

He seemed to know what I was feeling

Like he knew me from another life

He understood me so well

Listened to me with a distant empathy

Heard every story,  felt every pain

I opened everything up to him

Spilled out all my fears,

All my hopes, all my dreams

He listened to my weaknesses and said

Never you mind,

Better to accept them and

get them out in the open

You’ve been holding them too long

He made careful note of my deepest fears

My triggers, and my trauma

Kept mental notes on every fine detail

What would you think?

What would you assume?

It was true love’s patient virtue?

This was a confidant to be trusted?

With my life?

With my mind?

With my sanity?

Let me shed some light…

on the darkness of some people

that hunt for strangers

full of passion,  kindness

empathy, and loneliness

There are predators hunting now

as I write these words right now

for you to heed somehow…

like your life depends on them

and the hope inside you head…

So you shall not bleed

From deep spiritual wounding

and psychological breaking

My warning is true

Watch your step unlike mine

Keep your passion

tempered with ration

Stay away from the psychopath

Once you have crossed over

There is no going back

You can escape…

remove your body from the crime…

but how can you remove

the intimate knowledge of darkness

from your mind?

abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, dating an abusive guy, domestic abuse, narcissistic abuse, Narcissists, narcopath

Mirroring Techniques and Other Methods / Narcissistic Abuse Idealization Phase of the Narcissist

This is a video of a class taught by David Snyder. David Snyder teaches NLP hypnosis and also Dating and Attraction. He is also a martial arts teacher.

This video can be helpful to you in two ways. I want to explain to you how what he is teaching in this video can be used for good or for evil intentions.

These techniques are about mirroring the person, repeating back to them what they say, and drawing out conversation from them about their feelings and experiences. He gives you very good methods for doing these things and how to draw someone into talking to you about themselves.

People love talking about themselves with someone who they perceive cares about what they are saying. If you use these techniques with someone, you can get them to talk about themselves to you in many cases. Nothing is fool proof but I have tried these techniques and they are effective.

If you have social anxiety , PTSD, or trouble approaching someone and talking to someone you are interested in, then you will find value in what David Snyder teaches in this class. This is using it for good.

But on the other side of morality…these are the very kinds of techniques that the narcissist / psychopath uses to lure their prey. They mirror your words, phrases, and body language. They make you feel a connection with them this way.

They draw you into the conversation and get you to tell them all kinds of things about yourself very early into the relationship. Normally you probably would not tell someone the level of personal things that you ended up telling the narcissist.

Check this out so that you can recognize when someone is mirroring you, repeating words back to you etc. It does not mean that they are a narcissist. They might be a good person that is really interested in you.

If you recognize that someone is doing these techniques then turn things around and see if you can reverse the conversation. Become the one who is doing the mirroring , repeating words back and draw them out to tell you about themselves.

See what response you get once you begin to control the conversation. If they are really interested in you then they will be happy to fall into this with you. They will tell you about themselves and not press you about talking things that you do not want to talk about.

Be careful what you tell someone early in a relationship, especially if you just met them. Make sure you are volunteering information that you want to share at that time. If it feels too early then it probably is. Go with your intuition.

abusive relationships, emotional abuse, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, psychopathic abuse, red flags of a narcissist

Narcissists Combine Truth with Lies to Make you Believe Them

Narcissists are very good at persuasion techniques and ways to get you to trust them, in order to lure you in.

If you felt right away that they were not to be trusted then you would not have continued onto the next level of intimacy with them. 

Some narcissists actively study and train to learn these techniques and others just naturally develop them. Since they do not have to learn to follow the moral and ethical practices that other people do, it leaves them more time for learning these techniques by trial and error. 

Narcissists want to control people in order to extract narcissistic supply or to use them as sources for narcissistic supply in some way.

They can control you better if they learn about you. In order to learn about you they need you to reveal things about yourself to them.

You would not reveal personal things to someone like dreams, fears, and skeletons in your closet unless you felt like you could trust them with this intimate knowledge of you. They lure you into telling them about yourself by gaining your trust. 

The ways in which they gain your trust are intentional and basically a kind of hypnosis. 

There is something called Conversational Hypnosis, which is something that narcissists are good at. They have practice it over and over again and they have each developed their own special brand of brainwashing through hypnosis. 

This video that I have shared with you is a class by David Snyder. He is a really excellent teacher of hypnosis and NLP hypnosis. He teaches hypnosis to people who are therapists and life coaches amongst other professions that want to be able to lead people to certain goals. 

This type of hypnosis can be very helpful and add value to the lives of people, of the hypnotist has honest intentions and keeps the client safe. I have shared this video with you so that you can see that the techniques in this video are used by narcissists for malice.

If you have an opponent that is in a match with you and you do not understand the rules and techniques, but they do, this puts you at a great disadvantage. But once you understand the techniques that the narcissists use to lure you in, to get you to trust them and to believe the things they tell you, then you will be much harder to manipulate in the future. 

I recommend that you watch this video and see how he uses the technique of pacing and leading.

David Snyder defines a “pace”  as something in your present environment that the other person can verify as true. This means that the abuser will say things to you that you can validate as truth. 

Once they give you enough truth then your brain begins to expect that the next thing they say will be true. Once the victim’s brain sees that the narcissist is saying true things then it lowers its defenses (filters) and begins to accept the things the narcissist says as true. 

The next thing is called a “lead.” David Snyder defines a lead as something that you want the person to believe, to think, to say or to do. 

So the narcissist will give you 4 or 5 paces and then 1 lead. Then they will give you 4 paces and 2 leads. More and more the paces can become less and the they can give you more suggestions that they want you to believe to be true. 

Here is an example

Narcissist says…

“You are a single mother that has had to struggle with raising your kids on your own. You have had many obstacles in your life and you have overcome many things. Women have it hard when they have to work and also take care of their family. I really respect your resilience and I think you are to be commended. “

Do you see where this begins as true statements that you agree with and know to be true…and then…they tell you something that is not true but that they want you to believe? The “lead” that they want you to believe is that they have great respect for you and they think you deserve to be commended. 

In this context of the hypnotic pattern of pacing and leading, their words seem to be true and you do not question them. If they had just started off by saying “I have great respect for you and I think you are to be commended…you would not be sure of that were true about how they felt about you. 

During one conversation the narcissist can take you through this pattern of paces and leads many times. The more you begin to assume they are being transparent with you, the more you begin to trust them. The more you can validate the things they are saying are true, the more you will trust them. 

The narcissist can use this same technique to get you to believe the false self is really them. They begin by giving you “paces” which you can verify are true. They can tell you about the business they own and then show you the link to the web site. 

They can tell you that they specialize in a certain field and then demonstrate that they are knowledgeable in that field…or at least they can give you just enough that you believe they have proven that they are trained in that field. 

Then once they have given you things about themselves that your brain can verify to its satisfaction to be  true, then the narcissist can say something that you cannot verify but that your brain will accept as true.

This might be something about their personality that is not true such as …”I am a team player at work. I respect and listen to my employees”

Now you are seeing them as a person who respects their employees and someone that values people.

They might then give you some more paces and then tell you something like …”I am a loving kind of person. My employees feel like it is a family there. “

This of course is a complete lie since  their employees actually fear and loath them.  He controls and manipulates them and sucked the blood out of them while sadistically undermining and degrading them. 

But when he says it to you using the Conversational Hypnosis techniques, it really seems to be true. You feel as though he was telling you the truth from the beginning of the conversation and from then on you believe the things he tells you without question. 

Check out the video and have some fun with it. If you think of this as something new and fun to learn then I believe you will enjoy it. Instead of feeling bad about the games the narcissist played on you, learn the tactics they used so you can feel empowered. 

Once you know the rules they are playing by then they can no longer confuse and manipulate you without your knowledge and consent. At least not with this pace and lead technique. 

abuse red flags, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, domestic violence, healing from domestic abuse, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, narcopath, psychopathic abuse

Overt Abuse vs. Covert Abuse

Abusers have a wide variety of skills and tactics concerning abuse of their victims.

OVERT ABUSE

Some abuse is “overt” which means that it is visible or otherwise able to be  observed by the five senses. Verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse such as hitting, kicking, burning and restraining the victim are some of the ways an abuser uses overt abuse. 

COVERT ABUSE

Covert abuse is invisible and often is not recognized by onlookers as abuse at all. Often the victim does not even see it until they are already affected in a psychological way by this abuse. This invisible abuse is premeditated and intentional on the part of the abuser. 

The victim may see the covert abuse as accidental and that the abuser does not realize what they are doing to them. Narcissists and psychopaths are aware of the covert abuse. They use is systematically to crush down the self esteem of the victim and their confidence in their own perception of reality. 

The abuser will create an illusion for the victim called “shared psychosis” which is an altered, twisted reality in which the abuser makes themselves necessary to the survival of the victim. The victim is brainwashed to believe that they need to advice, the presence, the wisdom and the protection of the abuser. 

GASLIGHTING

Gaslighting is a tactic used by the narcissist which has many faces. There are 4 or 5 ways that abusers can use to gaslight their victims. There is an intentional misleading, misinterpreting, twisting and altering of reality. The victim will become unsure of they can remember things properly because the abuser denies the things the victim remembers to be have happened. 

ABUSER ALTERS REALITY

The abuser will make the victim feel like there is a problem with their memory and that they cannot properly remember events and things that were said by the abuser. Narcissists and psychopaths will re-write events any way they see fit and call them reality.

The victim is commanded to believe the version of reality the abuser tells them to, rather than their own memory of the events. 

Over time the self esteem and self confidence of the victim is eroded away and they turn to the abuser to explain what is real to them. The abuser may suggest, accuse or cause the victim mental illness. The abuser will say that the victim is unable to tell reality from fantasy. 

Smear Campaign

On-lookers of the relationship often believe the abuser when he tells them how he has to deal with the antics of the “overly sensitive ” victim. The abuser will often play the victim themselves and tell people that their partner is abusing them, rather than the other way around. 

The abuser can make up stories about the victim or change things around to make the victim appear at fault. 

Being in a state of anxiety and exasperation, the victim may appear distraught and it can be misunderstood by others.

Friends, co-workers, church members, even therapists believe that the abuser is being victimized. They see the victim as mentally ill or as “too sensitive” depending on how the abuser describes them to others.

This is the beginning of a smear campaign of the victim that can often continue long after the relationship ends. The narcissist can ruin the reputation of the victim and strip them of any friends, allies or family support.

ABUSER APPEARS TO BE THE VICTIM

About the victim, people wonder “what happened to her?”

” She used to be level headed and now there is something wrong with her. See how she makes accusations of this person that has only tried to help her?”

Abuser can Appear Benevolent

The abuser may show others how he / she has tried to help the victim in so many ways with money, support, and advising them. The abuser comes off looking like the good partner who was taken advantage of. 

The narcissist wears a mask that people think is really them. It never occurs to people that are looking on from the outside of the relationship that he /  she  might be lying right to their face.

People do not expect people to lie about their entire personality.

People understand little lies and lies to get our of trouble but it does not occur to normal people that someone would lie about everything including who they are, what they want, how they feel and what they think altogether. 

Psychopaths  and narcissists are not just in the movies.

They make up 3 to 4 percent of the population. You have interacted with them and never even recognized them. They target people who are easy to manipulate. These are usually people with abuse and toxic shame from their childhood. 

People that come from covert abuse tactics during their childhood are more likely to fall for the lies of the narcissist. The narcissist pretends to want and care for the victim.

The love-bombing stage is the beginning of the lies. This is the first mask that the narcissist uses to lure the victim in. 

Abuse is abuse and it causes damage to the victim that takes a long time to heal from. 

abuse red flags, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, dating a narcissist, domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, toxic people

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse – Ways to Feel Empowered- How to Spot a Liar

Narcissistic abuse is painful and healing from this kind of abuse is a long journey. One of the things that can help you to heal is to learn how to feel empowered. You need to build back the self confidence that was crushed down by the narcissist.

Many of us were abused during childhood in some way. Emotional abuse and mental abuse can be as damaging to the way the brain functions as any other kind of abuse.

Much of our brain wiring occurs before the age of six. There may be very early trauma that you do not even remember. If you have been the target of abusers then somehow you were programmed in a way that makes you susceptible to manipulative people.

When you were growing up you were supposed to be given certain brain software during the developmental stages. You should have been taught how to set boundaries to protect yourself. You should have been taught how to tell when someone is not treating you in the way that you deserve.

The ability to spot a liar and to tell when someone is lying to you can help you to feel empowered. It will make it harder for people to deceive you.

This lesson by David Snyder is very interesting. I recommend that you watch this. You will learn about why people accept lies, even when they realize that something is not quite right.

You will see how to tell signs of lying. The most important thing for you now is that you begin to focus on how you deserve to be treated. You should be in relationships with people that want to have genuine communication with you.

abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, life, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse, red flags you are dating an abuser, safe dating

Narcissists, Psychopaths and the LAW OF ENTROPY

The Law of Entropy is defined by google as follows:

lack of order or predictability; gradual decline into disorder.
“a marketplace where entropy reigns supreme”
synonyms:
deterioration, degeneration, crumbling,decline, degradation, decomposition,breaking down, collapse

The  concept of the Law of Entropy is that everything decays, deteriorates, gets weaker, or falls apart over time. 

Narcissists believe that relationships follow this Law Of Entropy. They know in their minds that a y relationship is doomed to end after a period of slow torturous crumbling. The only question to them is who is in control of the deterioration as opposed to who will be surprised by it. 

Narcissists choose to be  the one who ends relationships before the other person can leave first. If the other person ended the relationship this would invalidate the narcissist’s need to be all powerful, all knowing and all desirable and sought after.

If anyone is going to end a relationship, it is going to be them.

Particularly narcissists that are co-morbid with borderline personality disorder fear abandonment. Being abandoned could inflict pain and the narcissist wants to be the one who is in charge of any pain that is to be inflicted. 

They take this Law of Entropy a step further and twist it into something that is sadistic. As long as the relationship is doomed and the victim is going to “turn on them” eventually anyway, the narcissistic psychopath will make the “devaluation stage” which is leading up to the discard, as painful and slow as humanly possible. 

The devaluation phase will not only prove the Law of Entropy…it will take it to a whole new level. This is the design of the narcissist and the psychopath. 

The relationship not only decays slowly and painfully, but the victim is broken down bit by bit psychologically so that when the “Zombie Witch Doctor” leaves the victim, they are a broken shell of who they once were.

The term “Zombie Witchdoctor” was coined by Richard Grannon and you can click on the term to watch the video where he describes this in detail. This is a great video that I would recommend you watch. It is not too long and you will see a new perspective on this issue of how narcissists break the victim down psychologically, as well as emotionally.

The Law of Entropy is learned by the victim. They are broken down emotionally, psychologically, financially, cognitively, and physically.

They are left with PTSD and a compromised immune system that causes them to develop sicknesses and sometimes disease. 

*Personally, I was hospitalized for infection of internal organs three times after my relationship with a psychopathic narcissist. In addition I was in the emergency room with life threatening infections at least 6 times within a 6 month period. 

The body does not escape the abuse, even if there is no physical striking, punching, kicking or bruising that can be seen by the naked eye.

When there are severe levels of trauma, and ongoing periods of forced fear, the body is flooded with too much cortisol and other stress hormones.

Check out this article about Cortisol and Adrenal Function. 

The victim’s cognitive function is been broken down along with their ability to work and function the way they used to be able to. 

Their Executive Function part of the brain is compromised. You can see my video about this topic HERE. 

The skills needed to get up, dust yourself off and recover from financial devastation are lacking. The narcissist will leave the victim in the worst financial state that they are able to. This adds to the suffering and the continued mental interference of the victim by the abuser. 

The Law of Entropy states that things will continue to break down over time,  until there is nothing useful left of them or they die. ‘

The narcissist wants to leave the victim is an ongoing state of deterioration, so that they will continue to get worse after the narcissist is long gone from the scene. 

They may even check in with you just to see how you are doing, in the hopes to hear how broken you are and how much of a affect they had on you.  This makes them feel all powerful and enforces their grandiose sense of self. 

Not only does the narcissist see relationships in relation to the Law of Entropy, they also see their  pathological space this way too. The term pathological space was coined by Sam Vaknin. I recommend that you watch his video about this topic HERE.

The narcissist tends to move more frequently than other people. Over time their narcissistic environment is likely to break down because of all the wreckage in the lives of people that have interacted with the narcissist.

Once the people in the area have become wise to the tactics of the narcissist, he can no longer play his game and has to move on. People may be actively trying to undermine him or otherwise seeking to out a stop to his evil games. 

The narcissistic psychopath will move on to a new location… probably a new state.

They will line up narcissistic supply ahead of time by visiting the new place and setting up their reputation there.

They will begin their love bombing and otherwise setting up the illusion about their false self that they want to be perceived. 

They leave the broken down previous pathological space behind and simply move on to a new life.

In this new life they might re-invent their false self or tweak their mask. Whatever will work to gain narcissistic supply in the new pathological space is what they will portray. 

And so it is with the narcissist and the psychopath. The Law on Entropy is one of things that drives their decisions.

They protect themselves and plan for the deterioration of their sources of narcissistic supply because they are like a vampire…and sooner or later.they will suck the blood from too many of the people in their narcissistic space, hence ruining the entire town, state, or area, for themselves.

Once it is used up, the narcissist will abandon the pathological space and never look back. The people they leave behind are “out of sight, out of mind” as far as the narcissist is concerned.