abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, anti-social personality disorder, healing from narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Can you Warn the New Victim of Your Narcissist?

Just because we point out the hole someone is about to fall into, does not mean we are being cruel to the person who dug the hole.

We are just trying to keep the person from falling in, because we recognize the hunter who is patiently watching them….and waiting for that person to fall into their carefully crafted trap. 

When the prey sees the hunter through the rose colored glasses he gave them, they think we are demonizing the hunter. 

They are under the spell of the narcissist. The narcissist usually anticipates that their discarded victim will try to warn other about them. Always 5 steps ahead of you, the narcissist has already gotten to the people you might warn, before you ever think of telling them the truth. 

You have most likely already been discredited by your abuser, with lies about your anger disorder, your mental instability and your desire to be vindictive. It does not have to be the truth for the new victim to believe it. It simply has to come out of the mouth of the narcissist that they are now under the spell of. 

You have little to no chance to convince the new victim to believe you about the nature of the abuser. It is just the same as when you were first under the spell of the predator yourself.

You probably would not have believed an emotional ex girlfriend who they had already told you was abusive to them. They will think you are either trying to get the narcissist back for yourself, or that you want to break them up to prevent their happiness.

abusive relationships, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, blame shifting, gaslighting, Uncategorized

Dealing with Narcissists Everywhere

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Once you begin to study narcissism and psychopathy, you begin to  realize how many narcissists you have crossed paths with over the years.

The behaviors of pathological people are often hard to understand. You are likely to leave interactions with them feeling confused and crushed down.

When you are interacting with a narcissist, your thoughts and feelings are discounted. Any reasoning you try to do with them is met with a brick wall.

It is often better not to even give them reasons for your thoughts and feelings. Giving them reasons, just causes them to laugh at, mimimize and disregard you as a person.

They like to train you not to try to reason with them. They do not want to hear any side of things other than their own.

They will train you with rewards and punishments…. but mostly punishments. You will get anxiety when you even think about trying to get them to hear your side of a situation.

The narcissist will systematically train you to associate negative feelings with discussing anything with them. After having to feel embarrassed, insignificant, dumb, and guilty from repeated interactions with them, your brain will activate the fight or flight mode when you are picturing a conversation with them.

In your mind, you can play out scenarios. You can run through scenes in your head, based on different ways you can approach them and different things you can say to get them to see your side. But these scenes will always play out with the narcissistic getting the upper hand.

They will twist your words around. They will intentionally misconstrue what you are saying. They will use selective hearing, to miss important details of what you say.

You will find your reasons minimized pr disregarded, even if they are based on research that you can show them. They will not look at any proof you have, to back uo your reasons.

Your feelings will always be discounted and you will be made to feel that you have no right to ask them to consider your feelings.

Narcissists have no respect for your boundaries. They do not care how situations will affect you. You simply do not matter to them.

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, Narcissists, Uncategorized

Red Flags You are in an Abusive Relationship

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There are  red flags that may help you to identify early on that you are with an abusive personality. If you are seeing a few of these characteristics then you need to assert some boundaries with them and see how they react.

If they fight you about having simple personal boundaries then you need to realize that you may be in an abusive relationship. 

Tell them you have to go sleep early one night because you have a lot to do the next day. If they do not accept this, then there is a problem.

No one should give you guilt or shame you that you are not good to them, when you are doing simple basic things to take care of yourself.

It is not normal for someone to threaten to leave you or call you a bad girlfriend if you want to do things for yourself like take a class, do an extra assignment for school or work, or spend time with family or friends.

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You should never feel manipulated by guilt, shame or fear. People that love you do not inflict fear or threats in order to get you to comply.

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Here is a list that I have come up with from research and also from personal experience. There may be things that need to be added. Feel free to leave any ideas in the comments.

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Keep in mind that narcissists are on their best behavior at the very beginning of the relationship, called the idealization phase.

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Many of these red flags will not come up until the “honeymoon phase” is over in a couple of months. The best ones to look for early on are the ones that I put near to the top of this list.

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Love Bombing and Pushing to be in a Serious Relationship Right Away.

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Constant texting, calling, stopping over (calls you the second you get out from work or during work/ calls you while you are trying to get ready for work/ calls you first thing on your day off and wants to be on the phone, texting, or see you all day on every day off you have / calls while you are out with friends and you told them you would be busy with friends/  texts you when you said you would be at the gym….never ending constant contact)

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Angry or very upset when you do not respond to texts and voice mails right away.

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Never taking responsibility for their action – things are always someone else’s fault.

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Chameleon-like changeable personality – a different personality for different people and situations.

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They are always right and never make a mistake.

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They hate to be told they could have done something better or differently.

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Jealousy and Ownership of You.

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Isolating you from family and friends(discouraging you from spending time with them/  getting angry when you do/ saying that those people are interfering somehow in your relationship/ telling you that relatives that you have known for years are out to get you and you did not realize it).

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Need to control your schedule.

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Never apologizes or does so in a sarcastic,  fake way.

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Need to know where you are at all times.

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Telling you what to wear and how to look.

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Control of the money ( you need to check with them before you spend your own money/  they question how you spend your money/ shame you or make you feel guilty over spending your money on yourself)

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Criticism and disrespect  of women (this may not be directed at you at first  since they put on their mask and are on their best behavior during the idealization phase – observe how they treat other women who they have nothing to gain from)

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Making you account for your whereabouts.

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Making you ask permission or clear your activities with them.

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Name calling and demeaning.

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Complaining that the women at work do not treat him with respect.

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Excessive monitoring and making you check in all the time.

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Extreme sense of entitlement.

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Unrealistic, and unreasonable  demands.

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Lack of sympathy and empathy.

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Not interested in anyone else’s side of things.

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Accusing you of cheating when you are not.

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Blaming you for things that do not go his way.

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Excessive need for control in the house.

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Manipulating your friends and family to take their side in arguments.

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Getting angry if you have a different opinion than they do.

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Making you feel stupid and less intelligent than they are.

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Being disrespectful to you in front of your family and friends

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