abuse, abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, dating a narcissist, domestic abuse, domestic abuse blog, domestic violence, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, narcopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, people pleaser syndrome, Psychopath abusive relationship, psychopathic abuse, psychopaths, PTSD from domestic abuse, Uncategorized

Socialized Psychopaths

psychopath socialized

Image by Dr. David McDermott

Psychopaths are 1 in 25 people. That is a high number.

They are disguised as regular people….pillars of the community….coaches of your kid’s sports team….pastors of your church….your therapist….the local police officer….your surgeon…..your date from Match.com…

Learn the signs of psychopaths. Educate yourself about the red flags, their tactics, and the way they manipulate their prey. They think with their reptilian brain….you are the prey and they are the predator. 

Psychopaths only blend in because people do not know what they are looking at, and they dismiss the signs even when they are right in front of them. 

Stay safe and keep your kids safe. Psychopaths can be charming and they know how to press your emotional buttons. They get into your mind by eliciting emotional reactions from you. 

These are people that you do not want to allow into your life. Once they are in, it can be hard to get rid of them. They retaliate on people that reject them in ways that you cannot imagine, unless it has happened to you. 

More info – Follow my facebook page gentlekindnesscoaching facebook 

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, devaluation, domestic violence, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Psychopaths in Society

This is a great interview with Thomas Sheridan about psychopaths in society. He taks about how psychopaths target empaths, because compassionate, empathic people will feel sorry for them, when they tell you that initial sob story. They will tell you a story that they either make up, or exaggerate about how abused they have been , or some trauma in their life. 

Then they will judge your reaction. They know how an empath will react to a story like that, and they evaluate their prey in this way.

They suck the energy and life force of empaths, in addition to manipulating you in order to get things from you. 

He also discusses how psychopaths are parasites. They need to attach to enablers, codependents, and empaths, in order to feed off of your energy. They are sadistic and get pleasure from creating chaos and trauma in your life. 

He also talks about the red flags to identify a psychopath. He talks about word salad and other language techniques. The are charming and mirror the qualities you want and the your core values. They want to jump into a relationship with a partner very fast, so that there is no time for the victim to recognize who they are. 

He explains the way they use different masks, and they do not take any responsibility for things they did when they were using another mask. They never admit guilt for anything they do.

abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, anti-social personality disorder, devaluation, domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, leaving an abuser, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, Uncategorized

Facebook Page for Narcissistic Abuse

Visit my Facebook page for Healing from Narcissistic Abusegentlekindnesscoaching

abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, dating an abusive guy, domestic abuse, narcissistic abuse, Narcissists, narcopath

Mirroring Techniques and Other Methods / Narcissistic Abuse Idealization Phase of the Narcissist

This is a video of a class taught by David Snyder. David Snyder teaches NLP hypnosis and also Dating and Attraction. He is also a martial arts teacher.

This video can be helpful to you in two ways. I want to explain to you how what he is teaching in this video can be used for good or for evil intentions.

These techniques are about mirroring the person, repeating back to them what they say, and drawing out conversation from them about their feelings and experiences. He gives you very good methods for doing these things and how to draw someone into talking to you about themselves.

People love talking about themselves with someone who they perceive cares about what they are saying. If you use these techniques with someone, you can get them to talk about themselves to you in many cases. Nothing is fool proof but I have tried these techniques and they are effective.

If you have social anxiety , PTSD, or trouble approaching someone and talking to someone you are interested in, then you will find value in what David Snyder teaches in this class. This is using it for good.

But on the other side of morality…these are the very kinds of techniques that the narcissist / psychopath uses to lure their prey. They mirror your words, phrases, and body language. They make you feel a connection with them this way.

They draw you into the conversation and get you to tell them all kinds of things about yourself very early into the relationship. Normally you probably would not tell someone the level of personal things that you ended up telling the narcissist.

Check this out so that you can recognize when someone is mirroring you, repeating words back to you etc. It does not mean that they are a narcissist. They might be a good person that is really interested in you.

If you recognize that someone is doing these techniques then turn things around and see if you can reverse the conversation. Become the one who is doing the mirroring , repeating words back and draw them out to tell you about themselves.

See what response you get once you begin to control the conversation. If they are really interested in you then they will be happy to fall into this with you. They will tell you about themselves and not press you about talking things that you do not want to talk about.

Be careful what you tell someone early in a relationship, especially if you just met them. Make sure you are volunteering information that you want to share at that time. If it feels too early then it probably is. Go with your intuition.

abuse red flags, abusive relationships, blame shifting, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcopath

Blame Shifting

blame shifting

abusive relationships, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, mental health, narcissism, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome

How to Trust People Again and How to Know Who to Trust after Narcissistic Abuse

domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, Narcissist psychopath, Psychopath

Narcissistic Anti-social Darkness

There are narcissists that also have anti-social personality. What the extra element is, if you were dealing up close with psychopathy, is that they get an elevation from being sadistic.

Anti-social personality is what the accepted term now is for psychopath. The other term people mix around and interchange with these is sociopath.

Pick your poison, you are dealing with someone who intentionally inflicts pain, be it physical,  emotional or psychological.

The narcissistic psychopath inflicts pain just to see you suffer. They feel powerful when they can make you suffer with no other reason that to do it.

Narcissists inflict pain in order to make you fear feeling that emotional pain, because this makes you more compliant.  If you suffer through their emotional punishments like silent treatment or dissappearing from your radar for days or weeks on end, then you will do anything to avoid those punishments in the future.

Once the narcissist has trained you by inflicting emotional pain on you, then you become more compliant with what they want, or ask you for. You fear disagreeing with them, joking with them or doing anything but wait to find out what they want.

The narcissist trains you with punishment.  Their training is painful.  They threaten abuse, in order to keep you compliant also.

But the narcissist that is co-morbid with psychopathy will cause you mental injury, emotional pain, because they like to.

If your ex seemed to cause pain to you, or if they broke up with you in a way that was cruel and unusual. ..did all they could to make it as painful for you as possible…even though there was no strategic gain for them..it did not get them any additional narcissistic supply….

Then it is possible that you were with someone who was far darker and more dangerous that you thought.

This should be a very good reason for you to stay no contact.  You very well may be underestimating the danger of the person you were with.

If you are with someone that fits these criteria and has these behaviors,  please find a safe way out. Then stay no contact.  It is not worth the risk you are taking to stay.

These people are insidious and live in the dark world in their minds. I do not want you anywhere near them.

Blessings and wishes for your peace of mind and safety,

Annie

abuse, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, mental health, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome

Are You in An Abusive Relationship? Has Your Self Esteem Gotten Worse?

If you are still living in an abusive situation, then you need to build your self esteem. Your abuser has been intentionally crushing down your self esteem, in order to keep you a prisoner of the relationship and in order to control you. It is a tactic used by abuser. If you realize this, it will help you.

Tactics used to crush your self esteem include but are not limited to…

1. calling you names

2. embarrassing you in front of others

3. causing you to fail in situations and then criticizing you for failing

4. placing unrealistic demands and expectations on you and then getting angry or seeming disappointed when you cannot fulfill them

5. causing you to feel inferior to them’

6. telling you that you are inferior to others

7. interfering in your relationships

8. criticizing the way you look , your make-up. the way you dress or your weight

9. accusing you of cheating or being slutty

10. telling you that other people do not like you, are against you, cannot be trusted

11. making you feel like you put less into the relationship than they do, even though the opposite is true

12. sleep depriving you

13. interfering with your desires to achieve things, get ahead, get education or work advancement

14. disbelieving things you say

15. accusing you of lying or not remembering things

16. telling you that you are mentally ill

17.  manufacturing evidence that you are mentally ill

18. denying that conversations took place

19. denying things they told you or did to you

20. silent treatment

There are many more tactics that the abusers use to make you feel like you should not feel good about yourself.  They want to be the only one in your life.

They want you at their beck and call. But they are not their when you need something.

They want you to believe that they are smarter and more educated than they are. They want you to believe that they have a better grip on reality than you do. They do things to make you question your grip on reality.

Anything you can do for yourself that will help you to have better self esteem, and counter all of this soul crushing and demeaning, will help you. It will help you to think your way out of the relationship.

You need self esteem in order to feel worthy of something and someone better. As long as you feel like the inferior one in the relationship, you will probably stay. But you are not the inferior person in your relationship. You are being abused and manipulated.

You will need to get help if some sort. In order to be able to ask for help. you will need to feel that you deserve help, and you do.

Your friends and family may side with the abuser, if he has gotten to them first. The abuser often realizes that if you try to leave, you will try to get help from your family. They will say thing to them, to make it look like you are the mentally ill one or the abuser in the relationship.

You may need to go outside of your circles to get help. You have to believe in yourself and your story. DO not let the abuser tell you whether or not you are being abused. They can say the words, but it does not make it truth. You know what the truth is, but you are being intentionally confused.  You have to believe inside of yourself that you are being abused.

If you are reading this then you are probably being abused or have gone through abuse in the past. If the relationship feels bad, gives you anxiety, makes you feel like a different person that you thought you were or makes you feel afraid, then something is not right.

Remember  love is caring and kind. Love is patient and understanding. It goes both ways, not just one direction.

If you are doing everything and they are sucking the life out of you, then you are being abused. Do not believe anything the abuser tells you. I am not saying to argue with them, but just know inside of yourself that their truth is tainted with lies.

Learn about abuse. Learn about malignant narcissistic personality disorder. Learn ways to feel worthy and valuable.

How did you feel before the relationship, about yourself?  Has your self esteem gone down? Has your self image changed? These are red flags.

My thoughts are with you as you begin to become stronger. Your self esteem, self confidence and knowing that you are worth more than this abuser is giving you, will help you to find a way out and to be able to survive and thrive.

Annie

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domestic abuse, domestic violence, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness

Narcissists Change the Rules of Your Relationship To Suit Themselves

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you can NEVER please them. They created the illusion for you at the beginning of your relationship that they were very pleased with you. They made you feel like you were a wonderful partner for them. This illusion was just that…an illusion.
The narcissist will set down the standards of your interactions with them, at the beginning of the relationship. You will attempt to comply with them, because they have convinced you that this will benefit you somehow.

They want you to believe that the rules were a mutual agreement between the two of you. They want you to think that the rules evolved, as a natural process of the growing relationship.

The rules about constant contact, personal interaction and how to solve (or ignore) disagreements were made by both of you…..or were they?

No matter how much effort you put into following the rules of the relationship, you cannot follow them. Why? Because the narcissist will change the rules when they feel like it. They will not always tell you that there are different behaviors required from you, or tasks that they want done.

The rules will suddenly change and you will break them, because you are still trying to be a good partner and follow the rules you think are correct. When you do not do what the narcissist want you to do, you will be punished for you misbehavior.

One example of how the rules can change is the clingy aspect of the new relationship. At the beginning of your relationship with the narcissist, they were clingy and needy. They told you that they wanted to be in constant communication with you.

They called and texted you all the time. They answered your emails. they answered when you called them or called you back right away.

They told you that they wanted to be supportive of you. They made you feel like they thought about you livingly all the time and really missed you when they had to be away from you.

This made you feel special and wanted. You felt that the narcissist had always had bad partners who had abused them in the past, but now they had you. You were the one partner that they needed all along.

You were made to feel safe in the relationship. You were made to feel admired and valued by the narcissist.  They told you often. “I am so glad to hear the sound of your voice. Seeing you is the best part of my day.”

Then one day, you were not able to pick up the phone,  right away. You were working, shopping or on the other line. Maybe you were in the shower. You were not aware the narcissist was calling you or there was no possible way for you to answer the call right away.

When you called them 2 hours later, they were furious. They questioned the very nature of the relationship itself. They thought they could trust you and now they felt betrayed.

They will overblow the situation of your not calling them back right away, into a major relationship issue.

Then their true colors begin to peek through the charming exterior.  They become cold to you and make you feel emotionally shut out.

This  “emotional shut out” is cruel punishment. It is a tool of manipulation to control you. They have already set you up to need them to be there for you. They have isolated you from your other emotional support, by demanding all of your time.

Once you have lost contact with your friends and family, the narcissist becomes your sole source of emotional comfort. This is done deliberately and it is calculated into their plan. Once they have you in a position of being emotionally dependent on them, they can use it against you.

The narcissist ensures that you will have to turn to them for emotional support. They allow you no other place to turn. Then when you do not follow “the rules” they can restrict you from their emotional support.  They manipulate you by making you feel like you have to “be good” in order to have emotional love and approval.

They may have hinted that they might have to break up with you, because they need to be with someone who is reliable. They made you feel selfish and inadequate.

So, you comply with the newly set down rules they make which are probably as follows.

  •  Check your phone frequently for calls in your call history.
  • Do not go anywhere without your cell phone glued to you.
  • Frequently check your text messages and your email. (the narcissist may communicate by a means that they do not usually use, just to check that you paying attention )
  • Let the narcissist know if you are going to unavailable for any period of time and  exactly (to the minute) how long that time period will last.  
  • Notify them immediately upon becoming available again. ( Don’t take a shower, stop for coffee. Do not  do anything in between that specific thing that you have to do, and notifying the narcissist of its completion)

You can follow these rules for a while and they will be the rules for however long the narcissist wants them to be.

But the rules you follow become different that the ones that they have to follow. You will begin to notice that they do not call you back for hours and hours, because they are talking to someone else on the phone. They expect you to be available at 8pm, each night so they can call you. But one night they do not call you until midnight.

 The rules become confusing to follow. You are made to wait for them, but they will not tolerate waiting for you. You have to revolve your schedule around them, even to the point of finding out from them when the best time is for you to take a shower. Your personal care should not interfere with their needs.

So, you sit there by the phone and they do not call. Hours go by and you call a few times. You worry that something may have happened to them.

But if you try to talk them about this, they will not communicate in any logical way with you.  They can be angry when you make them wait, but when it is you that has to wait, there is no discussion.

Your feelings of worry, loneliness and fear about what is happening in the relationship are simply “NOT OPEN FOR DISCUSSION.”

The narcissist rule of “Not Open for Discussion” is a whole post in itself. We will get to that one soon.

There is no two-way communication at all. They are allowed to insist on your being there for them, but they are not there for you. You long for the clingy narcissist that you had the relationship with in the beginning. They seem not to need you anymore, in the way they originally said they did.

There may even be short-term rule that they make and do not inform you about. They always have an agenda to be met.

By expecting you to comply with an agenda that is in their head, they set you up to fail. By expecting you to do things that you have no idea they want, they set up to fail. They love for you to fail, because they can use this in order to watch you suffer.

It must have been your fault that you were not aware that they needed help with something. They may even say to you “Next time check with me if I need anything, before you just start talking about your day.”

There is no way to keep track of what the rules are, or when they change. The narcissist may give you the schedule for the next 2 hours and then tell you they are disappointed in you because you did not remember that the other thing needed to be done also.

They will say “I count on you! I count on you to make sure my needs are met. I count on you to make me feel safe. What am I supposed to do, if you do not help me?”

There is always a need of theirs that is greater than the needs that you have. Their problems are more urgent. Their feelings are “more sensitive” than yours are. Thier past was more painful. Their struggles are greater.

There is always an emergency or something that is critical for you to do. Things have to done the “right way” and you are supposed to know what that is, even if they do not tell you.

YOU CANNOT WIN!  DO NOT PLAY THE NARCISSIST GAME WITH THEM !

They are far better at this game than you are. They have years of experience of learning about how to control and manipulate other people. They are better than the average  psychiatrists at predicting human behavior, modifying human behavior and studying people.

They will study your mind and then take it apart. Don’t play. Get away !