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Domestic abuse increases in intensity over time. There are certain red flags to look for that often predict future violence.
Please know that any kind of restriction of your movement or freedom of mobility is abuse. If your partner is angry and blocks the doorway so you cannot leave and you are afraid to pass them, this is abuse. This behavior often leads to holding, hitting and other physically abusive behaviors.
Someone holding your wrists to keep you from leaving, or holding your body so you can’t move, against your consent, to keep you from leaving the room, is physical abuse.
Your partner sitting on top of you to hold you down, in anger, is abuse. If they accidentally “bump into you” hard enough to injure you, or to threaten or frighten you, this is abuse.
Verbal threats of physical violence are abuse. Damaging your property and punching holes in the walls to frighten you, is abuse.
Swinging their fist or hand, near to your face or body, to frighten you, is abuse. Other behavior which is abusive is taking your keys, or hiding your keys so you cannot leave the house.
Anything designed to force you to stay when you want to leave is abusive. This includes hiding your car or disabling your car. Also interfering with your car payments such as by intercepting your mail or computer payment.
Threatening your children, and implying threats to your children is abuse, and often is a sign of more escalated violence to come.
Pregnancy often escalates abuse. Children living in the house that do not belong to the abuser, is a red flag to watch for physical abuse, if other signs mentioned above have occured.
You should not feel threatened or frightened by your partner. It is not normal.
You should not feel like you have to walk on egg shells not to anger your partner. Love is not controlling and manipulative.
If someone loves you they want you to feel safe. Someone who loves you will accept you for who you are, and not demand you change for them and comply with everything they want.
Abusers feel entitled. They think of you as something they own. They expect you to know what they want and how they want it. They sometimes will intentionally change the rules without telling you, just to see you “fail.”
If any of these things sound familiar, please begin to find a way out of the relationship. But be careful about how you leave them.
Confronting a control freak partner can lead to sudden violence that you may not expect. Contact a women’s shelter so that they can advise you about safe escape.
There are many reasons why women stay with an abuser. Some of them have to do with views that society has of women and marriage. The role of women is still considered by certain groups of people to be the one that is “supportive no matter what.”
Many women are brought up to feel that the husband is the dominant person and that that allows for excuses for abusive behavior.
Women who choose to leave their husbands are often shamed by their families, churches and social groups. When the wife tried to explain that abuse was occurring people have reactions that cause her to feel like she is at fault. They claim that the husband would not have abused her if she were more patient and understanding of him.
Some people think that if a man has a hard day then it is a good excuse for him verbally abusing his wife.
When the verbal abuse turns into physical abuse then it must her fault for complaining about the verbal abuse. Also people will not acknowledge any physical abuse unless the woman has injuries that require hospitalization.
They will tell the wife that if she behaves better that her husband will treat her better. They encourage her to stay in the abusive relationship and that she should work harder to be a better wife.
Cheating is mentally abusive behavior, especially when it continues over time behind the wife’s back. This is deceitful and the lies that are told to the wife’s face are highly disrespectful. Once the wife discovers the on-going lies, she can become traumatized and disoriented about the nature of reality.
For months or years she believed that her husband was being honest with her and then she realizes that her entire reality was based on lies. Reality was actually intentionally distorted to manipulate her into staying and trying to work out the marriage. Yet some families will still take the husband’s side and blame the wife.
I have even heard people tell women that the husband cheated on her because she was not being a “good enough, obedient ans submissive, proper Christian wife.” If she had been more submissive to him, then he would not have had any desire to cheat on her. She drove him to it by not having dinner on the table the second he got home and being at his beck and call.
It has to have been her fault because her job was to keep the husband happy in any way he expected her to. They will shame her and make her the failure of the marriage.
There are people that will yell the wife that as long as the abuse is not right in front of the eyes of the children that they are not harmed by it.
The husband can criticize and yell at the wife in the next room, and it will not have any mental/ emotional damage to the children. So the wife wanting to leave for the sake of he children gets criticized and people tell her that any father is better than no father at all, even if he is abusive.
There is a great information page about domestic abuse at the Power to Break Free website. It has a graph of the Wheel of Power, the Pyramid of Power Pyramid and the Cycle of Abuse Circle with the five stages of violence.
It also has a list of facts and statistics about domestic violence. According to statistics over 20 percent of the female population will become a victim of domestic violence.
“Around the world collectively 33 percent of women are beaten, raped or otherwise abused during their lifetime. ” Power to Break Free.com
You can view or download lots of information from this site.
In spite of what the men’s anti-feminist groups will tell you, women are abused much more often that men are. The statistic is 85 percent of abuse victims are women.
However the statistics about abuse of men are probably not correct. The percentage is likely to be somewhat higher than the statistic because of the stigma about men who are abused.
There are situations of women being abusive to men and not being reported because people would minimize or disbelieve the man who is the victim.
Abuse happens in every country, every culture and at each and every economic level.
Over 200 million children live in homes where there is regular violence. No matter what the media says about the rate of abuse going down, it is not true.
Most abusive situations are not reported for a long time, if at all. The statistics on abuse are missing numbers due to the women and men who are abused and never report it.
Most domestic abuse offenders have personality disorders like Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Anti-Social personality Disorder (psychopaths). The best protection is learning about the red flags of abusers.
If you have a history of relationships with abusers then you also should learn about People Pleaser Syndrome, Co-dependence and how to create boundaries to protect yourself.
There is a lot of information on the internet about these things but often just reading about it is not enough. Many people need extra help in re-wiring their mental behaviors.
Therapy or Life Coaching for C-PTSD, and People Pleaser Syndrome can help. Someone who is trained at dealing with C-PTSD can help you to discover the root causes of your mental Rules of Behavior. NLP techniques can also help to re-wire the subconscious and give you a new way of perceiving your rights to your emotional and mental boundaries.
Most people who have People Pleaser Syndrome also have C-PTSD from childhood mental abuse or other abuse. People that were mentally and emotionally abused as children do not always recognize the abuse in their past.
If you are still living in an abusive situation, then you need to build your self esteem. Your abuser has been intentionally crushing down your self esteem, in order to keep you a prisoner of the relationship and in order to control you. It is a tactic used by abuser. If you realize this, it will help you.
Tactics used to crush your self esteem include but are not limited to…
1. calling you names
2. embarrassing you in front of others
3. causing you to fail in situations and then criticizing you for failing
4. placing unrealistic demands and expectations on you and then getting angry or seeming disappointed when you cannot fulfill them
5. causing you to feel inferior to them’
6. telling you that you are inferior to others
7. interfering in your relationships
8. criticizing the way you look , your make-up. the way you dress or your weight
9. accusing you of cheating or being slutty
10. telling you that other people do not like you, are against you, cannot be trusted
11. making you feel like you put less into the relationship than they do, even though the opposite is true
12. sleep depriving you
13. interfering with your desires to achieve things, get ahead, get education or work advancement
14. disbelieving things you say
15. accusing you of lying or not remembering things
16. telling you that you are mentally ill
17. manufacturing evidence that you are mentally ill
18. denying that conversations took place
19. denying things they told you or did to you
20. silent treatment
There are many more tactics that the abusers use to make you feel like you should not feel good about yourself. They want to be the only one in your life.
They want you at their beck and call. But they are not their when you need something.
They want you to believe that they are smarter and more educated than they are. They want you to believe that they have a better grip on reality than you do. They do things to make you question your grip on reality.
Anything you can do for yourself that will help you to have better self esteem, and counter all of this soul crushing and demeaning, will help you. It will help you to think your way out of the relationship.
You need self esteem in order to feel worthy of something and someone better. As long as you feel like the inferior one in the relationship, you will probably stay. But you are not the inferior person in your relationship. You are being abused and manipulated.
You will need to get help if some sort. In order to be able to ask for help. you will need to feel that you deserve help, and you do.
Your friends and family may side with the abuser, if he has gotten to them first. The abuser often realizes that if you try to leave, you will try to get help from your family. They will say thing to them, to make it look like you are the mentally ill one or the abuser in the relationship.
You may need to go outside of your circles to get help. You have to believe in yourself and your story. DO not let the abuser tell you whether or not you are being abused. They can say the words, but it does not make it truth. You know what the truth is, but you are being intentionally confused. You have to believe inside of yourself that you are being abused.
If you are reading this then you are probably being abused or have gone through abuse in the past. If the relationship feels bad, gives you anxiety, makes you feel like a different person that you thought you were or makes you feel afraid, then something is not right.
Remember love is caring and kind. Love is patient and understanding. It goes both ways, not just one direction.
If you are doing everything and they are sucking the life out of you, then you are being abused. Do not believe anything the abuser tells you. I am not saying to argue with them, but just know inside of yourself that their truth is tainted with lies.
Learn about abuse. Learn about malignant narcissistic personality disorder. Learn ways to feel worthy and valuable.
How did you feel before the relationship, about yourself? Has your self esteem gone down? Has your self image changed? These are red flags.
My thoughts are with you as you begin to become stronger. Your self esteem, self confidence and knowing that you are worth more than this abuser is giving you, will help you to find a way out and to be able to survive and thrive.
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