abusive relationships, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse, women abuse

Red Flags You Are with an Abusive Person

Here is a list of red flags that may help you to see early on that you are with an abusive personality. If you are seeing a few of these characteristics then you need to assert some boundaries with them and see how they react.

If they fight you about having simple personal boundaries then you need to realize that you may be in an abusive relationship. 

Tell them you have to go sleep early one night because you have a lot to do the next day. If they do not accept this, then there is a problem.

No one should give you guilt or shame you that you are not good to them, when you are doing simple basic things to take care of yourself.

It is not normal for someone to threaten to leave you or call you a bad girlfriend if you want to do things for yourself like take a class, do an extra assignment for school or work, or spend time with family or friends.

You should never feel manipulated by guilt, shame or fear. People that love you do not inflict fear or threats in order to get you to comply.

Here is a list that I have come up with from research and also from personal experience. There may be things that need to be added. Feel free to leave any ideas in the comments.

Keep in mind that narcissists are on their best behavior at the very beginning of the relationship, called the idealization phase.

Many of these red flags will not come up until the “honeymoon phase” is over in a couple of months. The best ones to look for early on are the ones that I put near to the top of this list.

Love Bombing and Pushing to be in a Serious Relationship Right Away

Constant texting, calling, stopping over (calls you the second you get out from work or during work/ calls you while you are trying to get ready for work/ calls you first thing on your day off and wants to be on the phone, texting, or see you all day on every day off you have / calls while you are out with friends and you told them you would be busy with friends/  texts you when you said you would be at the gym….never ending constant contact)

Angry or very upset when you do not respond to texts and voicemails right away

Never taking responsibility for their action – things are always someone else’s fault

Chameleon-like changeable personality – a different personality for different people and situations

They are always right and never make a mistake

They hate to be told they could have done something better or differently

Jealousy and Ownership of You

Isolating you from family and friends (discouraging you from spending time with them/  getting angry when you do/ saying that those people are interfering somehow in your relationship/ telling you that relatives that you have known for years are out to get you and you did not realize it)

They feel the Need to control your schedule

Never apologizes or does so in a sarcastic,  fake way

Need to know where you are at all times

Telling you what to wear and how to look

Control of the money ( you need to check with them before you spend your own money/  they question how you spend your money/ shame you or make you feel guilty over spending your money on yourself)

Criticism and disrespect  of women (this may not be directed at you at first  since they put on their mask and are on their best behavior during the idealization phase – observe how they treat other women who they have nothing to gain from)

Making you account for your whereabouts

Making you ask permission or clear your activities with them

Name calling and demeaning you

Complaining that the women at work do not treat him with respect / also treating employees or people that are performing a service for them (like a waitress, a hotel maid, a taxi driver) with disrespect and contempt

Excessive monitoring and making you check in all the time

Extreme sense of entitlement

Unrealistic, and unreasonable  demands

Lack of sympathy and empathy

Not interested in anyone else’s side of things

Accusing you of cheating when you are not

Blaming you for things that do not go his way

Excessive need for control in the house

Manipulating your friends and family to take their side in arguments

Getting angry if you have a different opinion than they do

Making you feel stupid and less intelligent than they are

Being disrespectful to you in front of your family and friends

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domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, mental health, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome

Learn the Red Flags of Narcissistic Abuse

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domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, narcissistic abuse, red flags of a narcissist, red flags of an abusive person, red flags you are dating an abuser

Red Flags You are Dating an Abuser

Here is a list of red flags that may help you to see early on that you are with an abusive personality. If you are seeing a few of these characteristics then you need to assert some boundaries with them and see how they react.

If they fight you about having simple personal boundaries then you need to realize that you may be in an abusive relationship. 

Tell them you have to go sleep early one night because you have a lot to do the next day. If they do not accept this, then there is a problem.

No one should give you guilt or shame you that you are not good to them, when you are doing simple basic things to take care of yourself.

It is not normal for someone to threaten to leave you or call you a bad girlfriend if you want to do things for yourself like take a class, do an extra assignment for school or work, or spend time with family or friends.

You should never feel manipulated by guilt, shame or fear. People that love you do not inflict fear or threats in order to get you to comply.

Here is a list that I have come up with from research and also from personal experience. There may be things that need to be added. Feel free to leave any ideas in the comments.

Keep in mind that narcissists are on their best behavior at the very beginning of the relationship, called the idealization phase.

Many of these red flags will not come up until the “honeymoon phase” is over in a couple of months. The best ones to look for early on are the ones that I put near to the top of this list.

Love Bombing and Pushing to be in a Serious Relationship Right Away

Constant texting, calling, stopping over (calls you the second you get out from work or during work/ calls you while you are trying to get ready for work/ calls you first thing on your day off and wants to be on the phone, texting, or see you all day on every day off you have / calls while you are out with friends and you told them you would be busy with friends/  texts you when you said you would be at the gym….never ending constant contact)

Angry or very upset when you do not respond to texts and voicemails right away

Never taking responsibility for their action – things are always someone else’s fault

Chameleon-like changeable personality – a different personality for different people and situations

They are always right and never make a mistake

They hate to be told they could have done something better or differently

Jealousy and Ownership of You

Isolating you from family and friends (discouraging you from spending time with them/  getting angry when you do/ saying that those people are interfering somehow in your relationship/ telling you that relatives that you have known for years are out to get you and you did not realize it)

Need to control your schedule

Never apologizes or does so in a sarcastic,  fake way ( my ex never apologized but when I brought up something that was bothering me he would say “I am always apologizing to you.”…

I would say “you are?” and then he would say “Yes and I am not doing it anymore. I am tired of you making me apologize to me.”  …

And the funny thing was I was not looking for an apology.  He jumped to that conclusion on his own.  I just wanted to work on our communication.)

Need to know where you are at all times

Telling you what to wear and how to look

Control of the money ( you need to check with them before you spend your own money/  they question how you spend your money/ shame you or make you feel guilty over spending your money on yourself)

Criticism and disrespect  of women (this may not be directed at you at first  since they put on their mask and are on their best behavior during the idealization phase – observe how they treat other women who they have nothing to gain from)

Making you account for your whereabouts

Making you ask permission or clear your activities with them

Name calling and demeaning

Complaining that the women at work do not treat him with respect

Excessive monitoring and making you check in all the time

Extreme sense of entitlement

Unrealistic, and unreasonable  demands

Lack of sympathy and empathy

Not interested in anyone else’s side of things

Accusing you of cheating when you are not

Blaming you for things that do not go his way

Excessive need for control in the house

Manipulating your friends and family to take their side in arguments

Getting angry if you have a different opinion than they do

Making you feel stupid and less intelligent than they are

Being disrespectful to you in front of your family and friends

abusive relationships, emotional abuse, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse

Blind Obedience is What the Narcissist Seeks

It happens to most all of us, who have been discarded by a narcissist or a psychopath. We lose hope.. We lose energy. ..We lose our very drive to go on…

The narcissist sucks out our life force. They cause us to see a dark side of humanity that people rarely see up close.

The lengths to which the psychopath will go to twist our reality is staggering. The amount of intention that the narcissist puts into breaking down our identity and forcing us to bow down to their every whim….is unspeakable.

It is unspeakable…and even if we speak of it….no one believes us. It is too surreal. We end up looking we are “playing the victim” and he ends appearing up clean and shiny.

He is absolved of all wrongdoing because he got to everyone before you did. He planned his escape and how he was going to destroy your reputation.

He was 20 steps ahead of you at all times. He set you up.

He has been telling people that you are mentally ill since he met you. He has been whispering tales of your mentally abusing him for months.

He has set the stage for you to appear to be the abuser.

The brain of a compassionate person can hardly contain these realities without breaking down and feeling that all the world is darkness.

Just know. ..it will get better. You won’t forget but your brain can heal.

Your soul was raped and your world has gone dark.

It is a gradual process of slowly and carefully assimilating the new reality. This new reality has been there all along.

It was all around us…even as we looked evil itself in the eyes.

We knew.

Yet we could not bear the truth. We felt it many times in flickering moments of fear and disgust.

There were moments of red flags. They urked our being. They insulted our soul.

I remember listening to bouts of his screaming that the ghosts of the past were in the hotel room. Dramatic and disturbed moaning about abuse from invisible ghosts that once occupied the room we were supposed to spend a romantic weekend in.

As he yelled and cursed the hotel management, society, and the people who once slept in the room. He yelled out loud…into the room…But not to me…to himself. ..ignoring me…I sat.

I sat on the floor alone. I sat alone in a room with the  two of us. I did not know that this was how it would always be.

I missed the irony of the foreshadowing, as he complained of being alone in the world. I never realized that he wanted to leave me alone and broken one day.

I listener to him blaming everyone.  Blaming each and every thing that did not go his way…on someone else. Some from his present and some people from his past.

I sat on the floor of that hotel room waiting for the inevitable instruction. The thing that he wanted me to do.

The thing that I would do…in order to avoid hearing more of this screaming which he knew was driving me to near madness.

For there is always something. Always something that they want you to do, to serve them.

The current torment will stop…only when you comply.

“Yes, I will talk to that person for you.”

“Yes, I will fix that problem for you.”

Yes,…I will tell you that you are right…and all the rest of them are wrong….”

Anything to make the punishment stop.

I listened to him blame his employees for the business declining. I listened to him blame his mother for his constant state of misery.

I witnessed him screaming into the night…blaming everyone. ..everyone was abusing him.

His business partners, his ex girlfriends, his best friend….even his brother tortured him in the night, entering his dreams simply to intentionally torment and taunt him….to remind him who the black sheep was….and who was the chosen. ..the Golden Child.

I witnessed him scolding and demeaning taxi drivers, waitresses, and hotel clerks. I witnessed him blaming every mistake or error in judgement upon the nearest person. …many who were bending over forwards and backwards to help him….to save him from himself. ..and his rash, illogical actions.

I heard the mental illness that tortured his mind and made him hateful. ..full of contempt…for..everyone. …even me, but I did not accept it.

No, this cannot be reality of the perfect, sweet person that had told me he loved me…cherished me…

No.

They could not be a cruel and heartless abuser. It is not in your circle of reality.

I heard him threaten to stab scissors through his jugular vein, because I had suggested he try someone new.

I heard him threaten to slam his head into furniture because I suggested that… he might have had an error about something…..that he could improve something he was doing.

He said to me that he needed help with the business. ..guidance.

But did he?

No, it was not advice, nor support, nor empathy that he was seeking. ..even though he claimed that it was.

No.

It was not empathy. Not compassion.  Not kindness or love.

No, the narcissist does not want your love. It insults their intelligence.

Love is for normal, day to dsy, boring people, that are beneath the narcissist.

No. What the narcissist wants is simple.

It is so simple that we don’t see it. It is so insidious that we deny the reality of their actions that are right in front of us.

We try to manufacture all manner of excuses for why they are behaving in ways that hurt us. We make up false intentions and project those intentions upon our abuser.

They must be confused. They must be tired. Perhaps frightened or even mistaken in their own perception of our efforts to help them.

It is all an illusion. The vulnerable victim of circumstance that we see before us. The one who claims to be codependent and that he is constantly manipulated by others.

This poor victim that we perceive with our rose colored glasses over blinded eyes…is not a victim at all.

He is not seeking a partnership as he once claimed, when he was setting our trap.

No.

He is only looking for one thing from you.

Submission.

Blind devotion.

Impeccable obedience.

Unless this is the life for you….get help..get out…go “No Contact! ”

You were not born to give up your life, your comfort, your rights and your dreams in order to be someone’s slave who thinks they are entitled to abuse you.

Blessings,
Annie

abuse, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, mental health, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome

Are You in An Abusive Relationship? Has Your Self Esteem Gotten Worse?

If you are still living in an abusive situation, then you need to build your self esteem. Your abuser has been intentionally crushing down your self esteem, in order to keep you a prisoner of the relationship and in order to control you. It is a tactic used by abuser. If you realize this, it will help you.

Tactics used to crush your self esteem include but are not limited to…

1. calling you names

2. embarrassing you in front of others

3. causing you to fail in situations and then criticizing you for failing

4. placing unrealistic demands and expectations on you and then getting angry or seeming disappointed when you cannot fulfill them

5. causing you to feel inferior to them’

6. telling you that you are inferior to others

7. interfering in your relationships

8. criticizing the way you look , your make-up. the way you dress or your weight

9. accusing you of cheating or being slutty

10. telling you that other people do not like you, are against you, cannot be trusted

11. making you feel like you put less into the relationship than they do, even though the opposite is true

12. sleep depriving you

13. interfering with your desires to achieve things, get ahead, get education or work advancement

14. disbelieving things you say

15. accusing you of lying or not remembering things

16. telling you that you are mentally ill

17.  manufacturing evidence that you are mentally ill

18. denying that conversations took place

19. denying things they told you or did to you

20. silent treatment

There are many more tactics that the abusers use to make you feel like you should not feel good about yourself.  They want to be the only one in your life.

They want you at their beck and call. But they are not their when you need something.

They want you to believe that they are smarter and more educated than they are. They want you to believe that they have a better grip on reality than you do. They do things to make you question your grip on reality.

Anything you can do for yourself that will help you to have better self esteem, and counter all of this soul crushing and demeaning, will help you. It will help you to think your way out of the relationship.

You need self esteem in order to feel worthy of something and someone better. As long as you feel like the inferior one in the relationship, you will probably stay. But you are not the inferior person in your relationship. You are being abused and manipulated.

You will need to get help if some sort. In order to be able to ask for help. you will need to feel that you deserve help, and you do.

Your friends and family may side with the abuser, if he has gotten to them first. The abuser often realizes that if you try to leave, you will try to get help from your family. They will say thing to them, to make it look like you are the mentally ill one or the abuser in the relationship.

You may need to go outside of your circles to get help. You have to believe in yourself and your story. DO not let the abuser tell you whether or not you are being abused. They can say the words, but it does not make it truth. You know what the truth is, but you are being intentionally confused.  You have to believe inside of yourself that you are being abused.

If you are reading this then you are probably being abused or have gone through abuse in the past. If the relationship feels bad, gives you anxiety, makes you feel like a different person that you thought you were or makes you feel afraid, then something is not right.

Remember  love is caring and kind. Love is patient and understanding. It goes both ways, not just one direction.

If you are doing everything and they are sucking the life out of you, then you are being abused. Do not believe anything the abuser tells you. I am not saying to argue with them, but just know inside of yourself that their truth is tainted with lies.

Learn about abuse. Learn about malignant narcissistic personality disorder. Learn ways to feel worthy and valuable.

How did you feel before the relationship, about yourself?  Has your self esteem gone down? Has your self image changed? These are red flags.

My thoughts are with you as you begin to become stronger. Your self esteem, self confidence and knowing that you are worth more than this abuser is giving you, will help you to find a way out and to be able to survive and thrive.

Annie

* please note that I have a Go Fund me account. If you are able to donate a small amount, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you. You can connect to the Go Fund me account  HERE.

If you cannot donate, you can help by reposting THIS blog post. Thank you 🙂 ❤

emotional abuse, gaslighting, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, PTSD from mental abuse

Gaslighting Video on YouTube by Annie

These videos are about my personal recovery from narcissistic abuse. They are not a substitute for seeking mental health treatment from a mental health professional.

Gaslighting is a tactic used by narcissists to control you and make you feel like you are going crazy. It gives them the upper hand.

If you continue to be in a gaslighting situation for an extended period of time, it will take a toll of your mental health.

I give examples in this video from my own relationships. I give two examples of different types of gaslighting tactics that were done to me. One type involves physical objects being misplaced or moved on you. This is similar to the movie “Gaslight” which I watched recently on Amazon Prime.

The other tactic is when they deny certain conversations ever took place. They make you feel like your memory is going and that you are mentally unbalanced.

These gaslighting tactics are also used for them to scold you, punish you and demean you.

I am not a mental health professional. I am a blogger on WordPress. I have a blog called Gentle Mental Annie, which focuses on mental health issues and some other random “Annie” stuff.

I also have a blog called the Lovely Wounded Lady, which is for women from abuse to come together to share experiences and support each other.

The videos here and the blogs are supportive and caring but they are not a substitute for mental health professional treatment. If you are feeling depressed, having severe anxiety or any other narcissistic abuse syndrome symptoms, you should seek professional mental treatment .

I do like the Spartan Life Coach videos, if you are looking for more information about this topic. They were helpful to me, as was his course on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse. These are just friendly reviews / suggestions.

Please do not get to the place where you are severely depressed or suicidal without seeking professional help. Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome is very severe and can cause mental health issues.

Blessings,
Annie