abusive relationships, emotional abuse, gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Why You Can Never Please the Narcissist

Check out my new video on YouTube about why you can never please the narcissist. They have another agenda entirely. They would rather make rules that you can’t follow, and have expectations that you can’t possibly meet, that to have an actual happy, healthy relationship with you.

 

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abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, healthy relationships after domestic abuse, how to have a healthy relationship after domestic abuse, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, PTSD from domestic abuse, relationships, self esteem, women abuse

Love Your Partner Because You Want to…relationships after domestic abuse

Living with narcissistic abuse has an effect of making us feel unworthy. Many of us leave abuse, only to repeat the behaviors we learned from the abuser. The narcissist taught us that we had to give and give in order to be loved. We were not worthy of love simply based on who we are.

The narcissist taught us that we had to give unreasonable amounts to them. Unreasonable amounts of effort, unreasonable amounts of time and unreasonable sacrifices of our own lives. We were expected to give up the people and the things we loved, in order to prove that we loved them.

Constant sacrificing to the point of your own personal detriment is not love. Someone expecting you to sacrifice your dreams and the the things you love, is not love on their part.

We are worthy of love. It is not our actions and sacrifices that make us worthy. It is the person that we are. A partner should find value in just being with us, being close to us, being loved by us. There is no need for constant demands from someone. We should not have to give so much more to them, than they even come close to giving to us.

There should not be a balance scale or a meter that they hold up against us, to measure how many things we have done for them today. They should not compare us to ex girlfriends on how much we give. They should not compare us to other women in other relationships.

Narcissists are masters of deception. Make no mistake, they twisted the truth around in their favor. When they compared you to an ex girlfriend, they were not telling you the whole story. When they are telling you to be like “So and so’s ” wife, they are making that situation up too.

They demand not only for you to be perfect, but to be more than perfect. They do not want a perfect woman; they want a slave. The narcissist wants a slave that will be there at his beck and call.

They change the rules on us as we go. As soon as we think we have the perfect routine down that will please them, they change the rules. It is all about domination by lowering your self esteem. They do not want you to feel good about yourself, or ability to be a good wife or a good girlfriend to them. They want you to feel inadequate and worthless.  That is how they control you.

Once you have self esteem, then you realize that you do not deserve to be treated in the ways that they treat you. They wold lose their power ti control and rule you, if you were to recover your self esteem. The narcissist game is to constantly crush your self esteem down.

So, what does this mean for us once we are out? We still carry those feelings of being inadequate and worthless. We still feel that in order for someone to love us, we must be at their beck and call 24 hours a day. We must give more to our partner than they give to us. We must constantly measure what we have done recently for them.

In a new healthy relationship, we need to feel that we are worthy to be loved. We can do living things for our partner, but that is what they are…loving acts. If we do a loving act for our partner, it does not need to go onto a list. It is simply something we did because we love them.

When our new healthy partner does something for us, we need to feel worthy to receive it. They should be doing it for us, out of love. If they show us care and love, by doing something for us, then it is because we are worthy of that love.

Little by little, we need our self esteem back. It will allow us to be truly loving to our partner. We will be able to show them our love, because we want to, and not because we are afraid not to.

abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, women abuse

The Lovely Wounded Lady … A Blog for the Women from Domestic Abuse

you are stronger than you think

I am one of many wounded women that escaped or is still living in domestic abuse. Some of you have managed to get out and are still suffering mentally from the damage your brain incurred.

I know that some of you are still there and need support to get out. The rest of us are here to help you find your way. We are strong women and we will hold each other up.

When  any one of us is suffering in torment, the rest of us suffer too. Anytime one of us escapes a mentally or otherwise abusive relationship, the rest of us are victorious!

Domestic abuse is wrong. Domestic abuse hurts. Mental torture has long lasting effects on each one of us. We may have gotten out years ago, but our brains are still suffering from PTSD.

I have other blogs and I am happy with how well they are doing. I have a mental illness blog that is about various mental illnesses and the struggle to keep going. I did post some domestic abuse posts on that blog, but I really felt that this topic deserved it’s very own blog.

I would love to see women come together here in order to support each other. I will tell my story in bits and pieces, with transparency and truthfulness. You are also welcome to have a voice here.

You can tell us whatever you want to about your story, in the comments here. You can also write a post about yourself, in anonymity, and I will post it. If you want to talk to me about writing a post about your domestic abuse story, please leave me a comment below and I will respond to you when I can, with information about how we can proceed.

This is the first blog that I have done, that is very specific to one topic. I am very excited and encouraged about creating this blog today. It is another step in my healing process. The time had come to get some of the secrets out.

There is often a feeling of shame about having been in an abusive relationship. There may also be feelings of shame about who else was involved (your children) .

If you had to escape then you may have had to do things that were out of emergency that you felt you had no choice but to do. Escaping a situation that is dangerous is tricky and calls for doing things that you would not usually do. Sometimes there is shame about what you had to do to escape.

If you want to post your story here, but you want to be completely anonymous, let me know. I can post the story without linking it to your blog and we can make up a name for you.

I am excited about this blog and I hope that it will be a home for many women, who need to go home once in a while. It is hard to feel at home anywhere, after you have lived in an abusive home.

When you have been mentally tortured, no place feels safe. It is hard to tell your story to others without judgement. This is the place for you, with a safe space for communication. No judgement. No junk advice that only serves to frustrate you.

If you are still living in abuse, consider this your home as well. The women here will understand what you are going through and how hard it really is to get out.

This is not a replacement for therapy of counseling. I am not a therapist or a counselor. I am just a friend, opening my home to you to come and visit for a while. Sit and have some tea or coffee and chat.

You are stronger than you think you are !

This Lovely Wounded Lady Says, “You are Stronger Than You Think!”