battered women, bipolar disorder, domestic abuse, domestic violence, insomnia, OCD, poem, poet, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD

Who Are They

Who are They to say we are…
too fat
too dumb
too afraid
too uneducated
too quiet
too shy
too loud
too impulsive
too set in our ways
too sloppy
too independent
too compliant

Who are They to say that we are only…
a nurse
a teacher
a stay at home mom
a working Mom
a playboy
a rebel
a womanizer
an addict
a mental case

Who are They to say that we can’t…
change jobs
change cities
change our minds!
get married
get divorced
learn yoga
dance
go to college
learn something new

Who are They to say that we have no right to…
talk to them
confront them
disagree with them
stand up to them
defy them
leave them

Who are They to say that we can’t become…
a poet
a businessman
an entrepreneur
a parent
a friend
a traveller
a lesbian
a mother
a spiritual advisor
a leader of men
a thinker of new ideas
a creator
a visionary
Ourselves

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abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, healthy relationships after domestic abuse, how to have a healthy relationship after domestic abuse, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, PTSD from domestic abuse, relationships, self esteem, women abuse

Love Your Partner Because You Want to…relationships after domestic abuse

Living with narcissistic abuse has an effect of making us feel unworthy. Many of us leave abuse, only to repeat the behaviors we learned from the abuser. The narcissist taught us that we had to give and give in order to be loved. We were not worthy of love simply based on who we are.

The narcissist taught us that we had to give unreasonable amounts to them. Unreasonable amounts of effort, unreasonable amounts of time and unreasonable sacrifices of our own lives. We were expected to give up the people and the things we loved, in order to prove that we loved them.

Constant sacrificing to the point of your own personal detriment is not love. Someone expecting you to sacrifice your dreams and the the things you love, is not love on their part.

We are worthy of love. It is not our actions and sacrifices that make us worthy. It is the person that we are. A partner should find value in just being with us, being close to us, being loved by us. There is no need for constant demands from someone. We should not have to give so much more to them, than they even come close to giving to us.

There should not be a balance scale or a meter that they hold up against us, to measure how many things we have done for them today. They should not compare us to ex girlfriends on how much we give. They should not compare us to other women in other relationships.

Narcissists are masters of deception. Make no mistake, they twisted the truth around in their favor. When they compared you to an ex girlfriend, they were not telling you the whole story. When they are telling you to be like “So and so’s ” wife, they are making that situation up too.

They demand not only for you to be perfect, but to be more than perfect. They do not want a perfect woman; they want a slave. The narcissist wants a slave that will be there at his beck and call.

They change the rules on us as we go. As soon as we think we have the perfect routine down that will please them, they change the rules. It is all about domination by lowering your self esteem. They do not want you to feel good about yourself, or ability to be a good wife or a good girlfriend to them. They want you to feel inadequate and worthless.  That is how they control you.

Once you have self esteem, then you realize that you do not deserve to be treated in the ways that they treat you. They wold lose their power ti control and rule you, if you were to recover your self esteem. The narcissist game is to constantly crush your self esteem down.

So, what does this mean for us once we are out? We still carry those feelings of being inadequate and worthless. We still feel that in order for someone to love us, we must be at their beck and call 24 hours a day. We must give more to our partner than they give to us. We must constantly measure what we have done recently for them.

In a new healthy relationship, we need to feel that we are worthy to be loved. We can do living things for our partner, but that is what they are…loving acts. If we do a loving act for our partner, it does not need to go onto a list. It is simply something we did because we love them.

When our new healthy partner does something for us, we need to feel worthy to receive it. They should be doing it for us, out of love. If they show us care and love, by doing something for us, then it is because we are worthy of that love.

Little by little, we need our self esteem back. It will allow us to be truly loving to our partner. We will be able to show them our love, because we want to, and not because we are afraid not to.

abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, wellness, women abuse

Being Retraumatized After We Leave our Abusive Relationship

Good morning ladies ! Well actually it is 2:25 pm and I am still in bed. That’s the way it is going today. I am hiding under my covers.

I can hear the wind blowing too loudly. I live on the top floor of this old house. It is like an attic. The wind sounds different up here. It is so loud and it whistles and makes a kind of howling noise. There is actually a pitch to it, as if it is singing a creepy song, that might be in a horror movie.

It is funny that when I write out those kinds of thoughts that go through my head here, it is ok. But if I actually talk that way out in the real world, where the “normals” live, then my words are met with contempt.

Apparently there are people that do not want to hear you describe the wind or the fog in such painted detail. They do not want to hear your feeling about the wind making noises at you or the fog looking like it could engulf you.

Those are thoughts that I have learned are better kept to myself. So, when I remember to bite my tongue then I keep my thoughts to myself.  When I forget that my speaking of such things will scare the straights, then I get into trouble.

When you have survived domestic abuse, you have a different perspective on life and even the wind than other people do. If you are still in a domestic abuse situation, then I am  very sorry for you and I hope you find the support here that you need , to give you that extra push to get out.

When you have lived through months and years of another person tormenting your mind, it does something to you. It does something to your mind. I would not go as far to say that all of us are mentally unbalanced. I would say that we have been psychologically injured.

We have been psychologically injured in such a way that things do not have the same priority and perspective that they used to. We see things differently than other people. We feel things and react to things differently than other people.

We appear the same as them on the outside, but the damage is on the inside. There is a place where we are always bleeding. There is a place inside of us where we know we are different. We were broken, Our minds were tortured in a way that only other victims could understand,

I hear the sound of the wind, and it blows and makes those howling noises. It reminds me that I did not choose to live in the upper most floor of a house, with my ex in laws. I am terrified of top floors, to the point of a phobia.

If I chose my own place to live, it would be on a first or second floor. The wind howling reminds me that I should not be here at all. I should not have had to escape and hide from some. It never should have happened.

It should not have happened to me. It should not have happened to you.

The fact is that after leaving an abuser, we are retraumatized again and again. I am constantly reminded that I had to leave an abuser because I ended up living where I hate to live. I do not like the people and I hate the creepy attic.

I hate carrying my laundry down and up 2 flights of steps. I hate carrying bags of groceries, for 3 people, up 2 flights of long torturous steps. My arthritis is advanced and the pain in my knees and hips, when I carry things up and down the steps is torturous.

When we have to leave our abuser, we often have to settle for whomever will take us in. We have to go somewhere fast, because the level of violence is escalating in our house. We are in danger to stay there, so we just have to go somewhere to get away.

I am mentally tormented by these people I live with, that are supposedly loving family members and the grandparents of my children.

As adults, we should be able to choose where we live and how we want to live. As victims, we have to go to the only option we have that opens up first. We have to go where we are safe. But us being physically safe the same as being mentally safe?

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts in the comment section below

Blessings,

Annie

battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, PTSD from domestic abuse, relationships, self esteem, women abuse

Something to Remember When You Drink Your Morning Coffee !

My voice matters