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Teach Your Children to Avoid Abuse

 Important things to teach our children

-to think for themselves 

-think through the words and behaviors of others

– to listen to your own intuition

– feelings in your head and your body are always telling you something

-If something feels wrong it probably is

-If something does not make sense to you, then someone may be manipulating you.

-Balance is important in everything…especially relationships

-You do not have to pay now to benefit later in a relationship.  It is an idea the manipulative people want women to buy

-Everyone is not innately good, although many people are

-Don’t overlook things you do not like in a relationship just because you do not want to be alone

-Learn to be happy spending time alone

-You are worthy of being treated special

-Anyone who tells you that you cannot do better than them is lying

-You never deserve abuse

-If someone makes you feel bad a lot of the time, the relationship is not food for you

-Your self esteem is important and anyone who cares about you knows this

-No one should be condescending or sarcastic to you in a relationship

-There is “no time frame” for having to fall in love, get married or be committed

-Someone who loves you will not pressure you

-Someone who cares about you will not shame or guilt to manipulate you

-Punishments and retaliation are not part of a loving relationship

-You should not have to change for anyone

-No one is going to change for you

-There is no “point of no return” about leaving a relationship

-Another person does not make you “whole.” You are already complete.

-You don’t have to follow any path just because someone else wants you to.

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Victims of Abuse …You did Not Choose to be Abused!

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Red Flags You Are with an Abusive Person

Here is a list of red flags that may help you to see early on that you are with an abusive personality. If you are seeing a few of these characteristics then you need to assert some boundaries with them and see how they react.

If they fight you about having simple personal boundaries then you need to realize that you may be in an abusive relationship. 

Tell them you have to go sleep early one night because you have a lot to do the next day. If they do not accept this, then there is a problem.

No one should give you guilt or shame you that you are not good to them, when you are doing simple basic things to take care of yourself.

It is not normal for someone to threaten to leave you or call you a bad girlfriend if you want to do things for yourself like take a class, do an extra assignment for school or work, or spend time with family or friends.

You should never feel manipulated by guilt, shame or fear. People that love you do not inflict fear or threats in order to get you to comply.

Here is a list that I have come up with from research and also from personal experience. There may be things that need to be added. Feel free to leave any ideas in the comments.

Keep in mind that narcissists are on their best behavior at the very beginning of the relationship, called the idealization phase.

Many of these red flags will not come up until the “honeymoon phase” is over in a couple of months. The best ones to look for early on are the ones that I put near to the top of this list.

Love Bombing and Pushing to be in a Serious Relationship Right Away

Constant texting, calling, stopping over (calls you the second you get out from work or during work/ calls you while you are trying to get ready for work/ calls you first thing on your day off and wants to be on the phone, texting, or see you all day on every day off you have / calls while you are out with friends and you told them you would be busy with friends/  texts you when you said you would be at the gym….never ending constant contact)

Angry or very upset when you do not respond to texts and voicemails right away

Never taking responsibility for their action – things are always someone else’s fault

Chameleon-like changeable personality – a different personality for different people and situations

They are always right and never make a mistake

They hate to be told they could have done something better or differently

Jealousy and Ownership of You

Isolating you from family and friends (discouraging you from spending time with them/  getting angry when you do/ saying that those people are interfering somehow in your relationship/ telling you that relatives that you have known for years are out to get you and you did not realize it)

They feel the Need to control your schedule

Never apologizes or does so in a sarcastic,  fake way

Need to know where you are at all times

Telling you what to wear and how to look

Control of the money ( you need to check with them before you spend your own money/  they question how you spend your money/ shame you or make you feel guilty over spending your money on yourself)

Criticism and disrespect  of women (this may not be directed at you at first  since they put on their mask and are on their best behavior during the idealization phase – observe how they treat other women who they have nothing to gain from)

Making you account for your whereabouts

Making you ask permission or clear your activities with them

Name calling and demeaning you

Complaining that the women at work do not treat him with respect / also treating employees or people that are performing a service for them (like a waitress, a hotel maid, a taxi driver) with disrespect and contempt

Excessive monitoring and making you check in all the time

Extreme sense of entitlement

Unrealistic, and unreasonable  demands

Lack of sympathy and empathy

Not interested in anyone else’s side of things

Accusing you of cheating when you are not

Blaming you for things that do not go his way

Excessive need for control in the house

Manipulating your friends and family to take their side in arguments

Getting angry if you have a different opinion than they do

Making you feel stupid and less intelligent than they are

Being disrespectful to you in front of your family and friends

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Which Red Flag of Abuse is the Most Important One? How Can I Know When to Leave Them?

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