Why does your narcissist accuse you of cheating out of the intention to cheat?
If they do this, and there is no basis for it, then your narcissist is projecting their own intentions onto you. They are either cheating on you, or they know that they would.
Why does your abuser accuse you of being underhanded or “sneaky”?
If you are being accused of being deceptive, or of going behind their backs, and there is no basis for this, then guess What? They are being deceptive with you. Plus they are just deceptive in general.
Are you being spied on by your partner who accuses you of “being up to something”?
Do they constantly think you are doing things behind their back?
Have you been loyal to a fault, and given them no logical reason to see you this way?
They are projecting their own bad qualities on to you. This is their way of making you “pay” for their machinations and insincere behaviors.
It is their way of dumping the accountability for their actions into you. It is a kind of “blame shifting” called “projection.”
Anyone who is not cheating on you, and has no thoughts about cheating on you, has no reason to even think that you would cheat on them. Unless you actually bring the subject of cheating onto the table, there is no reason for someone to assume you would be doing that.
Unless someone has evidence or reasons to think you might be deceitful and plotting against them, there is no normal reason to accuse you of these traits.
If you started the relationship with your partner with good intentions towards them, and they started the relationship with good intentions towards you, then why should they suddenly accuse you of having changed?
These sudden accusations, with no basis in reality, are the narcissist’s way of justifying their own actions and intentions.
They will justify spying on you, and obliterating your personal boundaries, in the name of “protecting themselves” or “keeping you in line.”
All the while, they are redirecting your attention towards defending yourself, instead of observing the narcissist’s behavior.
They will dump shame and guilt into you , in order to avoid any accountability for their own treachery.
The narcissist will never be accountable for their own actions, mistakes, behaviors or for their own short-comings. Instead, they project their bad qualities onto you, in order to make your life miserable.
They will accuse you, and become paranoid about your intentions, in order to put you on the defensive.
While you are busy trying to convince the narcissist that you are not “up to” anything, they are getting away with whatever behaviors they want to. This includes accusing you, spying on you, isolating you, and making you feel like you live in a prison camp.
They want you to be too busy catching your breath that you don’t have time to see what they are doing to you. And they most certainly do not want you to ever know that their behavior is intentional, in order to distract you from seeing things in realistic perspective.
You do not deserve to be accused of things that don’t even fit your personality. This just shows you that the person does not really know you anyway.
Plus, there is a double standard at work here. While the narcissist becomes indignant and accusatory of you alleged intentions, they feel perfectly entitled to do all of the things they are accusing you of, and more.
It has nothing to do with you. You have done nothing wrong if you have done nothing wrong.
As silly as that sounds, the narcissist will actually make their victim feel guilty for things they are not doing wrong. They will twist reality around in the victim’s mind until they feel like they have done something to deserve the accusations.
Make no mistake. This kind of treatment is emotionally abusive. This kind of gaslighting is psychological abuse.
Any kind of gaslighting or psychological abuse is damaging to your well being in the long run. Even in short time periods, gaslighting can cause harm to you.
Abusive relationships can drag out much longer that outside observers can understand. One of the reasons is that the double standards, the gaslighting and the other psychological abuse can cause the victim to become imprisoned in a mental hell.
Recognizing this kind of abuse, and being able to put labels on it, can be a Step toward freedom.
The effects of psychological and emotional abuse can last long after the relationship has ended.
This can make you vulnerable to being targeted by another abuser.
Remember that all predators do not present themselves the same way initially. Learn the red flags of predators and how to identify abuse.
Realise your personal worth and know that you bring value to any relationship. This knowledge will help you to protect yourself from future predators and abusive personalities
Domestic Abuse, narcissistic abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse….all can cause PTSD . You will end up with emotional flashbacks that are triggered by certain things that remind your brain of danger or trauma.
For people into NLP triggers are called NLP anchors. The difference is that NLP anchors can be good or bad. They might be pre- existing from a past trauma or created to ease the effects of trauma.
They can be put into your mind intentionally to bring about a certain mood or mental state. This is a functional or a therapeutical use for them.
Back in the days of Pavlov, triggers were discovered as a tool for behavioral modification. You know…Pavlov’s dog.
Every time Pavlov fed the dog, he rang a bell first. After a while the dog salivated at the sound of the bell even without the food being presented.
This is how our minds create associations between certain triggers and a corresponding emotional response.
I have ring tones that I hate the sound of. There are songs I cannot listen to. I had such anxiety connected with my ex calling me or not calling me that the sound of my old ring tone makes my blood pressure rise.
Some triggers are related to incidents and some are related to specific poem. Some triggers are related to time periods or ongoing abuse. Others are related to break ups from our ex.
There are some triggers that we are well aware of where they come. Other ones may be related to trauma from our past from when we were very young or even infants.
There may be triggers that create emotional flashbacks for you that are from periods of time that you have blacked out from your mind…or I should say that your brain blocked them out in order to protect you.
The first few weeks to months after an abusive relationship can be filled with startle responses and severe physiological responses to triggers that remind you of the abuse.
Although every so often I am out somewhere and a stranger’s phone rings with the very ring tone that is now taboo on my cell phone.
There are times when we suddenly feel severe anxiety and have no idea what caused the onset. This can sometimes be an emotional flashback to a trigger we are unaware of.
That is a very tricky one to figure out. You would have to write down all the sights, smells and circumstances that were around at the time of the anxiety attack.
You would have to keep a log of those things each time you had an unexpected, unexplainable anxiety attack. Then look for anything in common between them that was never part of your environment when you are calm.
To make it even more complex, triggers can have more than one component to them. It might not be candlelight or the smell of roses individually that triggers you. It could be the combination of the two of them that does it.
Certain emotional triggers can be healed or at least the effect can be lessened through NLP techniques. Other ones may be harder to deal with than others.
The ones that we cannot identify or do not know what they were caused by are the worst ones in a way. At least as far as there being any hope for treatment.
The more severe the trauma, the more severe the pain from being triggered
Talking about your triggers or unexplained emotional brain attacks is the first step to healing or at least lessening the feeling of alienation or isolation due to PTSD or Complex PTSD.
Know you are not alone. There are others of us that understand.
Here is a list of red flags that may help you to see early on that you are with an abusive personality. If you are seeing a few of these characteristics then you need to assert some boundaries with them and see how they react.
If they fight you about having simple personal boundaries then you need to realize that you may be in an abusive relationship.
Tell them you have to go sleep early one night because you have a lot to do the next day. If they do not accept this, then there is a problem.
No one should give you guilt or shame you that you are not good to them, when you are doing simple basic things to take care of yourself.
It is not normal for someone to threaten to leave you or call you a bad girlfriend if you want to do things for yourself like take a class, do an extra assignment for school or work, or spend time with family or friends.
You should never feel manipulated by guilt, shame or fear. People that love you do not inflict fear or threats in order to get you to comply.
Here is a list that I have come up with from research and also from personal experience. There may be things that need to be added. Feel free to leave any ideas in the comments.
Keep in mind that narcissists are on their best behavior at the very beginning of the relationship, called the idealization phase.
Many of these red flags will not come up until the “honeymoon phase” is over in a couple of months. The best ones to look for early on are the ones that I put near to the top of this list.
Love Bombing and Pushing to be in a Serious Relationship Right Away
Constant texting, calling, stopping over (calls you the second you get out from work or during work/ calls you while you are trying to get ready for work/ calls you first thing on your day off and wants to be on the phone, texting, or see you all day on every day off you have / calls while you are out with friends and you told them you would be busy with friends/ texts you when you said you would be at the gym….never ending constant contact)
Angry or very upset when you do not respond to texts and voicemails right away
Never taking responsibility for their action – things are always someone else’s fault
Chameleon-like changeable personality – a different personality for different people and situations
They are always right and never make a mistake
They hate to be told they could have done something better or differently
Jealousy and Ownership of You
Isolating you from family and friends (discouraging you from spending time with them/ getting angry when you do/ saying that those people are interfering somehow in your relationship/ telling you that relatives that you have known for years are out to get you and you did not realize it)
Need to control your schedule
Never apologizes or does so in a sarcastic, fake way ( my ex never apologized but when I brought up something that was bothering me he would say “I am always apologizing to you.”…
I would say “you are?” and then he would say “Yes and I am not doing it anymore. I am tired of you making me apologize to me.” …
And the funny thing was I was not looking for an apology. He jumped to that conclusion on his own. I just wanted to work on our communication.)
Need to know where you are at all times
Telling you what to wear and how to look
Control of the money ( you need to check with them before you spend your own money/ they question how you spend your money/ shame you or make you feel guilty over spending your money on yourself)
Criticism and disrespect of women (this may not be directed at you at first since they put on their mask and are on their best behavior during the idealization phase – observe how they treat other women who they have nothing to gain from)
Making you account for your whereabouts
Making you ask permission or clear your activities with them
Name calling and demeaning
Complaining that the women at work do not treat him with respect
Excessive monitoring and making you check in all the time
Extreme sense of entitlement
Unrealistic, and unreasonable demands
Lack of sympathy and empathy
Not interested in anyone else’s side of things
Accusing you of cheating when you are not
Blaming you for things that do not go his way
Excessive need for control in the house
Manipulating your friends and family to take their side in arguments
Getting angry if you have a different opinion than they do
Making you feel stupid and less intelligent than they are
Being disrespectful to you in front of your family and friends