abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, domestic abuse, gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Moving Forward After Abuse and Gaslighting

Getting on with your life after existing in a day to day, ongoing altered reality, can be extremely challenging. Narcissists and other abusers influence the way you perceive yourself and the world around you .

Their goal is to control your perceptions, your feelings and your thinking process. This conditioning is a kind of brainwashing and uses similar techniques that cults use to control their flock.

Isolation from others that would support you, and give you a different frame of reality than the narcissiat wants you to have, is a go-to technique used by most abusers. It may not be obvious to you that they were doing it, or are doing this to you.

You may notice that you are unable to spend time with your friends or that you no longer have access to people that would spend time with you. The abuser finds ways to prevent you from inviting people to the house or interacting with them socially outside of the house .

Abusers are often jealous, envious, disruptive of your relationships. They create drama and chaos, in order to cause dissention, and discomfort to you and to others that would otherwise help you.

They may tell you they feel threatened by your friends or that you should not trust certain people.

Sleep deprivation is another go-to technique of abusers, to control you. When you are sleep deprived, you don’t think as clearly, and you don’t have the energy needed to combat the gaslighting and other mind control tactics that are being used on you.

You may not notice that they are intentionally sleep depriving you. There are a variety of ways they can do this and be unaccountable for it .

Gaslighting is often difficult to recognize and it is extremely dangerous psychologically to your mental clarity and mental well – being.

It can be out and out lying about things that have happened, or extremely subtle with no words at all. Conflicting realities can be presented with body language, and non – verbal expressions, or by lack of response when there should normally be a response.

You will start to feel like your ability to understand what is going on , has been altered. You might feel like your memory is not as good as you think it is.

The narcissist will mirror something back to you that does not seem like an accurate version of who you are, what your values are, or what your real personality is. You might feel like they seem to be perceiving you as a completely different person than who you believed you were.

This is because they want you to be confused. They want to break down your self esteem and your sense of who you are.

It is psychologically dangerous. Many of my clients experience depression, panic attacks, generalized anxiety disorder, and even  suicidal ideations, after long term, on-going gaslighting.

To not be able to hold onto a reality about your own identity is terrifying. The constant interferance with your perception of reality leaves long term effects after you are no longer in the relationship.

If you are still in a relationship with, or have contact with the abuser that was gaslighting you, please be aware that it takes resilience and constant re-orienting yourself back into reality as you know it is.

The longer you are in a gaslighting situation, the more difficult it can be to re-wire your brain and to reduce the panic attacks.

Anytime something is associated with the gaslighting that your abuser did to you, it will cause an emotional flashback to how it felt at the time. Your fight or flight mode will kick in, because your brain recognizes it as a threat to you.

You will run into narcissists sometimes in your day to day life. You don’t have to be in a relationship with them, for something they say to trigger you. It happens to many people  who have been in abusive relationships. Try to limit the length of the interaction and amount of contact you have with anyone who does things that reminds you of the gaslighting that you went through in the abusive relationship.

Abusive relationships can be marriages, romatic or sexual partners, family, friends you lived with, or anyone who targeted your mind with cruel or malicious intentions.

All abusers do not appear to be disordered to others. Many of them appear to be good – hearted people or pillars of the community. They are pastors, therapists, social workers,l doctors , and lots of other roles where they can gain the trust of others.

They do not want to be exposed for who they really are, and that they have no real empathy for others. Posing as a humanitarian, an intellectual, a church member, an honest business man or woman, etc. gives them the cover story that they need. It creates a narrative for who they want people to think they are.

Once you have this realization that this person you trusted, was actually scheming against you, it can be a shock.

Even more so, can be the shock of the realization that there are a percentage of people walking among us, that look and seem like everyone else, but they are manipulators that sadistically target people with the intention of destroying them.

The recovery from on-going abuse is a process. You can get your proper perception back about who you really are. You can gradually reduce the emotional flashbacks, and navigate your life in a positive direction.

It takes time to get back on the right path for you. For many people, it takes re-wiring beliefs in your subconscious that go back to your childhood .

You are an independent, soveriegn individual person, with a unique set of gifts, skills and possibilities.

No one has the right to try to mislead or diminish your life. You have the right to mental clarity and to see things for what they are.

Recovery from gaslighting, verbal abuse, and on-going abuse from a psychopath, a narcissist or a narcissistic borderline takes a while.

It is an on-going, day to day process. Your brain will fall back into the narcissists reality because you were conditioned to be in that reality. It is familiar and what is familiar can seem safer to your brain.

But new realities are out there. New ways of perceiving yourself and your place in the world are possible for you.

Never give up on yourself . If you were not special, and if you did not have significant value, then the narcissist would not have bothered targeting you.

They are looking to take something away from their targets. They want to crush out the light that you have, so you cannot share that light with the world.

Namaste,

Annie – gentlekindnesscoaching.com

abusive men, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, Uncategorized

The Dark Triad Type of Predator

There is a type of predator that is so dark, that the results of any relationship with one of them is the destruction of basically everything they can possibly destroy in regards to you and your life.

These narcissistic predators will cause their victims to sink into such a pit of darkness that you will have  have moments where you believe that death might be a welcome relief.

They drive their victims to having deep depression and often suicidal thoughts. You will find yourself questioning whether you were mentally unbalanced the whole time, rather than wanting to think that the abuser caused it on purpose.

This type of dark creature appears nearly normal in public, so that no one suspects anything is wrong with them. They might even be well thought of in the community as a humanitarian, a scholar, an artist, or a leader.

Little do their circle of associates know that there is a dangerous contempt and rage seething at their core. There is a resentment of authority and an extreme obsession with manipulation and control.

The rage usually only occurs once the curtains are drawn and the doors are locked. However, it is always lurking just below the surface of their well constructed mask.

The Dark Triad Predator lures their victims into their battle field by covering it with roses, Christian crosses, bibles, yoga mats, money, or whatever else will hold your attention just long enough to keep you from looking too deep into their eyes.

They don’t want you to see it yet.

No. Not so soon. These things must be carefully times.

Showing the rage too soon might cause fear or horror to creep into your mind prematurely.

That just wouldn’t do, now would it?

In order to disguise the creature that lurks beneath, this abuser avoids your glance.

Sometimes they will acknowledge your look while turning to the side or pointing to something alternate for you to look at.

It’s too early to let on.

They don’t want to reveal it yet.

Occasionally, in a bold moment, they may look right at you while in the midst of a vivacious monologue about themselves. But if you really looked…

But you didn’t,  did you?

All evil things come to those who wait, particularly if the waiting is being done by a target of this predator.

They will carefully monitor their vocal tone so as not to allow a glimmer of that rage  to seep through.

They don’t want you to hear it yet.

These predators will use slight of han, smoke and mirrors, and other tricks to get you to see the image they want you to see.

The image they want you to see is the good hearted person you have hoped for. It’s not time for you to look too deeply.

They don’t want you to see it yet.

Their conversations will engage, charm, and lead your mind towards imagining hopeful things for the future.

They are lying because they don’t want you to see the black pit that lies before you. Its just beyond the next step you’re getting ready to take.

The ground is getting ready to open. There is a gaping black hole just beyond where you’re standing, and the abuser won’t let on.

No, they want to lead you forward in the way that any great leader leads others. They promise rewards for believing in them and hint that it is best never to actually question them.

No. It’s better not to question them.

Not out loud.

Not in your mind.

Not at all. Not ever.

Little by little you learn to keep your opinions, your ideas, your suggestions and your gut feelings about things they say to yourself. You are being groomed.

You are being trained. You are being brainwashed. You are being indoctrinated into their world.

This is life with a dark triad personality. The three elements are narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellian personality.

Their world only really consists of them. Everyone else is a pawn in their great game of chess.

But they don’t want you to know it yet.

No. They don’t want you to see the blackness in their evil eyes. They don’t want you to hear the fury that is lying just beneath their well crafted exterior.

But most of all, they don’t want you to see what you are standing on. The fire that burns beneath the ground is building and the heat is increasing.

At a certain point, you will have reached the point of no return. Yes, maybe you could have made a polite, yet firm exit earlier on, but it’s too late for you now.

Even attempting to step a toe off that unholy ground would singe your toes and spread up your foot. No. There is no painless way out.

There is no way out from their clutches without severe losses. One of those losses could be your children. It could be your sanity. Or it could be your life.

Yes. Your life as you once knew it to be is no more. You can never go back. Not ever.

Moving forward from this point on will be pain, loss, grief, and extreme loss. So many losses.

But what do you know? The floor has been covered with those roses for some time now. Petals of softness under your feet.

Yes. Perhaps a thorn or two may have drawn a few drops of blood from time to time.

How many times you ask yourself? That’s funny. You can’t really remember. It’s like your memory has been affected.

Even when you try to think about stepping off of that predator’spredator’ s grounds, you don’t really see the edge of things. Maybe you’re tired. Maybe your perception has become a bit confused.

The edges have become blurred, haven’t they? The concept you once had of yourself has also become blurred. Blurred against what you wonder? Blending between yourself and who exactly?

You wonder who this dark stranger is. The one that spits vile words at you for reasons you cannot understand. Perhaps you are not as intelligent as they are to understand why they rage? Maybe.

Or maybe the person you thought you were being lead by is not the person you thought they were. Maybe, they are not a normal person at all.

You try to remember the things that once drove you. What sparked your passion ? Why has your brain been fully focused on the wants and desires of this one individual?

What happened to the person you used to be? It’s like you have been eviscerated. But how? You can’t remember now. Besides there’s no time for that.

The creature needs to be fed and looked after. After all, you wouldn’t want to upset him would you?

You know what could happen if he feels you are not doing you very best to serve and obey him, don’t you?

No?

Maybe you need a reminder, he roars at you. After all I’ve done for you and given up for you?

“I’m so sorry,” you mutter, with your head down. Your eyes look down at your toes, without dating to raise themselves up.

You don’t dare look into those eyes. You know the ones. They used to be a soothing brown, or perhaps a lovely blue.

But not lately. No. Not for quite some time.

Those eyes are black holes. That dark stare frightens you. No. Better to keep your head down, or at least look away.

You can pretend you’re like a little girl who’s been naughty. Maybe that will garner some human instinct in the creature.

But deep down, you know it won’t bring any humanity out in him. No. Nothing can brought out if it were never there in the first place.

There is only cruelty. There is only punishment. There is only shame. There is only them.

They wanted it that way all along. For you to be blurred with them. But why do they loath you so? Why aren’t they happy you have sacrificed yourself for Then?

You were supposed to do it. They were entitled to your submission. It’s not a gift of love. They don’t have to appreciate you.

You belong to them. They believe that you must obey them. They don’t see it as a choice. After all, they are so powerful. Once they will something to come about, it must come about.

You are merely a shadow of themselves. They have attributed their most loathsome qualities into you. Now they can spew all their contempt and hatred your way.

And when the sun shines again, it will not shine for you. And it will not shine for the creature.

As the sunlight dances off the beauty of the day, it dances for the person that does not exist. It shines for the illusory image that the creature covers itself with during the day.

As for you. You’ll have to hold the hand of that person that does not exist. And pray the creature lurking beneath does not come out to feed tonight.

Keep your head down. Avert your eyes. Speak carefully. Walk gently.

And whatever you do…. don’t look into their eyes.

You won’t like what you’ll see.

…..image from Pinterest

abuse, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Why the Narcissist Accuses you of Cheating and Deceipt

Why does your narcissist accuse you of cheating out of the intention to cheat?

If they do this, and there is no basis for it, then your narcissist is projecting their own intentions onto you. They are either cheating on you, or they know that they would.

Why does your abuser accuse you of being underhanded or “sneaky”?

If you are being accused of being deceptive, or of going behind their backs, and there is no basis for this, then guess What? They are being deceptive with you. Plus they are just deceptive in general.

Are you being spied on by your partner who accuses you of “being up to something”?

Do they constantly think you are doing things behind their back?

Have you been loyal to a fault, and given them no logical reason to see you this way?

They are projecting their own bad qualities on to you. This is their way of making you “pay” for their machinations and insincere behaviors.

It is their way of dumping the accountability for their actions into you. It is a kind of “blame shifting” called “projection.”

Anyone who is not cheating on you, and has no thoughts about cheating on you, has no reason to even think that you would cheat on them. Unless you actually bring the subject of cheating onto the table, there is no reason for someone to assume you would be doing that.

Unless someone has evidence or reasons to think you might be deceitful and plotting against them, there is no normal reason to accuse you of these traits.

If you started the relationship with your partner with good intentions towards them, and they started the relationship with good intentions towards you, then why should they suddenly accuse you of having changed?

These sudden accusations, with no basis in reality, are the narcissist’s way of justifying their own actions and intentions.

They will justify spying on you, and obliterating your personal boundaries, in the name of “protecting themselves” or “keeping you in line.”

All the while, they are redirecting your attention towards defending yourself, instead of observing the narcissist’s behavior.

They will dump shame and guilt into you , in order to avoid any accountability for their own treachery.

The narcissist will never be accountable for their own actions, mistakes, behaviors or for their own short-comings. Instead, they project their bad qualities onto you, in order to make your life miserable.

They will accuse you, and become paranoid about your intentions, in order to put you on the defensive.

While you are busy trying to convince the narcissist that you are not “up to” anything, they are getting away with whatever behaviors they want to. This includes accusing you, spying on you, isolating you, and making you feel like you live in a prison camp.

They want you to be too busy catching your breath that you don’t have time to see what they are doing to you. And they most certainly do not want you to ever know that their behavior is intentional, in order to distract you from seeing things in realistic perspective.

You do not deserve to be accused of things that don’t even fit your personality. This just shows you that the person does not really know you anyway.

Plus, there is a double standard at work here. While the narcissist becomes indignant and accusatory of you alleged intentions, they feel perfectly entitled to do all of the things they are accusing you of, and more.

It has nothing to do with you. You have done nothing wrong if you have done nothing wrong.

As silly as that sounds, the narcissist will actually make their victim feel guilty for things they are not doing wrong. They will twist reality around in the victim’s mind until they feel like they have done something to deserve the accusations.

Make no mistake. This kind of treatment is emotionally abusive. This kind of gaslighting is psychological abuse.

Any kind of gaslighting or psychological abuse is damaging to your well being in the long run. Even in short time periods, gaslighting can cause harm to you.

Abusive relationships can drag out much longer that outside observers can understand. One of the reasons is that the double standards, the gaslighting and the other psychological abuse can cause the victim to become imprisoned in a mental hell.

Recognizing this kind of abuse, and being able to put labels on it, can be a Step toward freedom.

The effects of psychological and emotional abuse can last long after the relationship has ended.

This can make you vulnerable to being targeted by another abuser.

Remember that all predators do not present themselves the same way initially. Learn the red flags of predators and how to identify abuse.

Realise your personal worth and know that you bring value to any relationship. This knowledge will help you to protect yourself from future predators and abusive personalities

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, dating an abusive guy, domestic abuse, domestic abuse blog, domestic abuse meme, domestic violence, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, Uncategorized

Pinterest Mental Abuse Blog

Visit and follow my Mental Abuse Pinterest Blog

 

 the following images are from Pinterest

narcissist minimizingwoman in red

baiting

abuse, abuse red flags, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, mental abuse, Psychopath, Uncategorized

PTSD from Abuse

Abuse causes PTSD in the victims. If you are having symptoms of depression, anxiety, trouble remembering things, flashbacks, and trouble getting on track with life after an abusive relationship,  then you probably have PTSD or C-PTSD. 

Years , or even months of abuse will cause physiological changes in the brain. For videos about PTSD from abuse, and C-PTSD see my YouTube channel HERE. 

PTSD from narcissistic abuse

abuse, abusive relationships, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, mental abuse, mental abuse meme, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, no contact, no contact from narcissist, no contact with the narcissist, post traumatic stress disorder from domestic abuse . mental abuse, Psychopath abusive relationship, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, Uncategorized

If you Have Gotten Out, Stay Away from Your Abuser

image chef too good

domestic abuse, domestic abuse blog, domestic violence, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic psychopath, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, psychopathic abuse, psychopaths, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, red flags of a narcissist, red flags of an abusive person, Uncategorized

The Cost of Pleasing a Narcissist

If you have to lose everything you love. just to please one person, then you cannot afford them.

The cost is too high!

If you have to give up your dreams for them….or your self esteem…they are not worth the cost.

You are special and you have innate value. If someone cannot see that, then you will end up losing too much just for one person. 

The cost is too high!

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, devaluation, domestic abuse, domestic abuse blog, domestic violence, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, healthy relationships after domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, Psychopath abusive relationship, psychopathic abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, Uncategorized

Let Go of What No Longer Serves You or Supports You

drop

image by Steven Aitchison

I saw this today and I thought it was really great. We need to let go of the things and the people that are bringing us down…keeping us from blossoming and reaching for our dreams. You can surround yourself with people who support you and do not ask you to change to suit them. 

Your dreams matter and you have been through enough pain. It is time to listen to that inner voice that is telling you what is best for you. Emotional pain is telling us not to go in certain directions…and to get away from certain people. 

Listen to your pain…and listen to your passion. No one has a right to crush your dreams. If you feel lead to do something, you should do it. 

Love and Peace,

Annie

gentlekindnesscoaching.com

Discount offered on coaching , if you mention this blog. Just go to the web site and send me a message from the Contact Page . You can have 15 dollars off of one month of coaching (regular price 75 dollars

 

 

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse blog, domestic violence, emotional abuse, gaslighting, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Psychopath, Psychopath abusive relationship, psychopathic abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, Uncategorized

Domestic Abuse Re-traumatization and Isolation

Domestic abuse shatters your self esteem because you are treated in such an inhumam way. No…worse than that…you are treated worse than an animal.

Domestic violence and mental / emotional abuse take away your dignity and leave you feeling heavily weighted with shame. It is hard for people who have not been through abuse to understand the shame, and it is hard to explain to them.

The events which occur behind closed doors, in an abusive house, are dofficult to tell people about. If you try to tell them and they do not believe you, this can be very painful and re-traumatizing.

Because you cannot tolerate any more pain, you will likely give up after being re-traumatized a few times by people you thought would believe you.

Some of the events are harr for people to believe, particularly if they knew your abuser, and the abuser treated them completely differently than they treated you. Not only that, the abuser also treated you differently in front of other people, than they did when you were alone with them.

You will be accused of lying, mis-contruing events, having a bad memory, misunderstanding the abuser’s intentions and of being mentally unbalanced. People do not believe that you interpret, perceive or remember events and situations accurately.

The reason this is particularly painful, is that the abuser also accused you of the very same things, many times. They said they did not really “bump” into you that hard, you bruise easily, and that they have been very patient with your over-sensitivity.

They told you that you have a tendency to forget things, to mis-interpret things and even to be abusive to them and not think you were being abusive.

Your reality was has been so twisted around that it took a great effort to regain your faith in your own perception of reality. Even now, you may have the habit of questioning what you see and heat. But your gut tells you when something is wrong about how someone is treating you.

Sometimes the pain of being re-traumatized, minimized, disbelieved, and humiliated all over again can make you self-isolate. You may have cut off contact with people, or you just do not talk to people about anything personal.

There is a natural human need to connect with others. Feeling alone and isolated can extend the abuse. If you are still living with abuse, then you may be very isolated from other people.

Sometimes hearing your very own story, from someone else who is telling their story, can be surprising, because you feel like you are the only one. The abuser quite intentionally caused you to feel that you were very different from other people.

They intentionally isolated you, for a few reasons. They did not want you to have outside support or objective opinions. They wanted to be able to have full access to your brain, allowing keys to no one.

As you are beginning to read about the patterns, methods, and intentional techniques of the abuser, you will be surprised how they are all the same. That being said….these methods are extremely effective and soul raping.

The feeling of isolation, both during and after abuse can cause extreme depression and it can cause anxiety disorders. You can feel mentally and emotionally isolated in a room full of people.

As you continue on your journey towards healing, you will find your authentic self. You will slowly grow more balanced over time and be able to re-build your self confidence.

You are special and unique. The abuser targeted you because you were compassionate and understanding. These qualities are still a part of you and they make you an important and special person.

 

 

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive relationships, dating a narcissist, dating an abusive guy, domestic abuse, domestic abuse blog, domestic violence, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic psychopath, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, narcopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, post traumatic stress disorder from domestic abuse . mental abuse, Psychopath, Psychopath abusive relationship, psychopathic abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, red flags of a narcissist, red flags of an abusive person, Uncategorized

YouTube Videos about Narcissistic abuse and Domestic Abuse

You stopped by this blog most likely because you have been in, or are still in an abusive relationship. Whether it is physical abuse, mental abuse, or emotional abuse, you are still going through a psychological trauma. 

Trauma has certain similar affects on the brain that are experienced by the victim. The symptoms can continue long after the relationship has ended. Whether it was abuse by a partner, or from your family, or even at work, narcissistic abuse leaves scars. 

Please visit my YouTube Channel for videos to help you to understand abuse, how to identify the red flags of abusers. and help with healing from narcissistic or psychopathic abuse. 

You can visit my YouTube Channel HERE

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJw1QUDzb59PbWTcnGjGJ7g/videos